I am tired of the way that I am, I'm tired of complaining, I'm tired of wishing I was something that I'm not. Therefore, I'm going to change it. Seizing the moment, right? If I don't like what I see change it, right? Well, I'm going to give it my best shot yet. I see a plan, logically infront of me, that I'll try to follow.. Let's hope that this works.

Looking behind me, I see all the faults that I made, the bad choices with men, jobs, and addictions that I have picked up on the way.. To all of that, All I have left to say is : Fuck you. I am better than you, I will succeed in what I want, and there's not a goddamned thing you can do about it. For those of you that I wasn't good enough for, I probably lied to you, Just to have something around to not be alone. For those jobs that let me go over stupid reasons.. It's probably better that I didn't get involved in your stupid fucking office politics. For drinking, I'm not so angry at myself for picking this up. I needed an outlet, because Let's face it.. no sex for almost three years really fucks with a girl after a while. I needed an outlet, a cure.. something to help me through it all. Thank you booze, for being that soemone.

I should also thank a few people for always being there through everything that I have ever needed.. Mostly, one person in particular.. Alyssa. You've been one of the greatest friends that I have ever had, and I'm glad that we are as close as we are. I'm glad that you can understand my logic, and understand what and how I act to things. And most of all, I'm really glad that we can look over dumb shit like adults, and keep our friendship (And our secret loooooooovvvvvvvve!!! ) together.

I feel as though I have never been more certain about things in my life, and I'm really liking it. My mind is at ease, relaxed.. My thoughts can subsidize and become one with my spirit again. I'm no longer torn between myself, fighting to distinguish what is reality and what is a lie. That, I can be happy about. I can look aroudn my surroundings, at the people that I have now placed myself with, and I can see with absolute certainty which every person is like, which ones to trust, and which ones to falter from. Thank you mind for helping me understand, and logically finally get this in order.

The only thing about all of this is, how easy it is for me to flux, or to switch emotions within myself. Granted, I do a great job at not showing it, I still feel pretty cold, heartless, and as if I have not a care towards another human being. hurrah, cloaking devices that make it seem like I care. Sometimes, I even catch myself glancing off into thought, thinking of all the different ways I could strategically take someone down, or eliminate them. I unfortunately find myself wanting to look for that look of terror, confusion, and actual pain. That seems to make me falter from thinking.. Not because it scares me, but because I'm worried I'd like it too much.. But, that's a different apple all together.