No matter how much I actually want to write, or to make my words flow as they sometimes do, I just am so stuck in neutral. Nothing that I can say, or write ever sounds exactly as I want... Did I finally find a way to break myself, again?

It seems like I finally figured out who and what my wanderer was that I wanted this whole time. The one person I thought i was looking for, to be exactly what I want them to be. I hoped, and wished that they'd come true so bad that I never thought to look ahead.. The wanderer is me.

It all makes sense now, of course. I wanted someone to be able to walk into my life and whisk me away. I wanted them to take all my problems, and help to hold the weight of the wold. What I wanted and what I got are actually pretty much the same thing.. Only, it's in me. I figured out that I can actually really rely on no one to be there for me 100% of the time. Because I myself will never allow them to be. I wanted something romantic, real, and filled with love. I wanted what every girl wanted. The only difference is, most of the girls now have it and I walk away empty handed. Although, I know partially this is mostly my fault. I can never seem to actually settle down. I can't focus, or actually show a full spectrum of what I am or who I am.

I was confusing love with lust this whole time. Which, of course now that I look back on it just makes me angry at myself even more. Why did I let myself follow this path, and why did I decide to jump down this rabbit hole? Am I that craved for attention that I must have every person that I want? Do I get so carried away in the moment, with who they are that I don't think logically? I believe that's the actual answer to everything that I have been wanting.

I don't get attached because I don't want attachment. I think I have actually finally figured that out, as well. My first boyfriend that I actually called mine, the one that I have written about time and time again in here -- He may be the actual cause of all this. He may be the reason that I can no longer really accept a real relationship in my life. All the things I went through with him made me stronger as a person, made me stone cold with emotions, but made me weak with fear of someone getting too close. Ever since I had my heart broke, I've reacted the only way I know how.. Use them, abuse them, lose them.

God-awful now that I think about it. The only problem is, I don't know how to change. Nor, do I think I want to.

You see, there may be one specific person that may just be able to break this for me.. However, I'm unsure about so many different things when it concerns him, that I have no idea where to begin. He has such an allure to him that I'm constantly having him running through my mind. I'm constantly wondering if he is thinking of me, what he is doing, and when I can see him again. Every single point of contact I get with him whether it is physical or technological.. I fall for him. His mind, his voice, and his body. To me, he actually may be perfect. -- However, this time.. I'm so unsure about everything, that it actually leaves me a bit on the 'fucking terrified' scale.  How much of this is actually real? Does he feel the same about me? Does he even think of me the same way I do? Am I just a thing to him? -- The same questions, with the same answers as always.. I always assume, think and wish that it is all true. But, in the end I'm either proven wrong, or I walk away because I don't want to get hurt.

I know that if I want this to work, if I want to carry on with him; my armor has to come off. The only problem is, I don't know where to start. I don't know what to feel, or think. On one hand, I'm happy to shed my armor and let someone in my heart. On the other hand, I'm absolutely terrified that this will actually be the binds that break me. I can't and won't push anything.. From now on, I'm putting the reigns in someone elses hands and letting them steer. If they jump off, then I know it was not meant to be and my armor can stay in tact.

I know at this point, I will remain what I have now come to understand as myself.. The wanderer.

Day starts to give way to night, the sky painted in an array of colors all slowly turning to black. Off in the distance, cars can be heard as most can expect; living on the fringe of a major city. She stretches, looking up at the sky with a smile on her face as she can see the stars making their appearance tonight. With no clouds in the sky, she couldn't help but wonder how beautiful it would be to actually see a sky full of them once again. Living within a metroplex had dimmed her view on the sky, since at most she could only see a few stars and the moon she never bothered to look up to really take anything in. However, since she relocated further away from the metroplex she could start to listen to the world around her yet again.

She stretches her arms above her head smiling intently of just how peaceful her life has become. Closing her eyes, she starts to drift through her thoughts attempting to remember if there was anything that was actually suppose to happen today or if she could just stay in this position forever. She hears the sound of an engine purring by her apartment and it starts to click with her. "Oh shit!" she says, raising up at an alarming rate. "What time is it?! Where's my phone! I'm suppose to see him!" Panicing, she starts to rummage through her belongings outside and darts inside to check the time. A sigh of relief washing over her as soon as she realizes she has another few hours before he is to make his appearence to her.

Deciding it's best to take a nap before tonights festivities begin, she turns on her radio and wanders back to the outside. Curling back up in her chair she starts to drift off letting the radio whisk her away. .

The soft night breeze dragging long locks of her black hair across her face, she starts to drift back to consciousness. The purr of an engine heard coming down the road, she perks her head up just in time to hear her phone start to go off inside her apart. Launching up, she dashes inside almost tripping over her poor cat to answer the call in time. "Hey there!" She says, smiling in a flirtatious way as if he was already at her door. "Well hello there, gorgeous. I thought I'd let you know that I'm almost there." he said, with the same amount of flirtation in her voice. She smiled, the very thought of him almost here excited in her a way that she's not been in a while. She absolutely adored hearing his voice over the phone. It was deep, demanding, and had quite a bit of a southern drawl to it - something that she has came to admire in a man.