April 17, 2007

• *Looks through previous entries*
  
  Looking back, I see nothing but heart ache. And that's about all I've done.. is hurt. I've tried to make things work, and it seems to do nothing but crash right back down in my face.. Making everything laugh at me, laugh at me, laugh at me. To hurt me in such a way that I really have never wanted to hurt.. To hurt in a way.. that I am embarrassed to the point of no longer wanting to go in public.. If that's even possible, I think it is for me now.
  
  It sucks, when you try to make something perfect, but it seems the other wants nothing to do with you.. When all you want is a call to say "Hi, I love you, How was your day, and goodnight." Or, to surprisingly swing by your house and sweep you off of your feet for a dinner, or a movie.. all of which, was your choice.. Or, just a simple note left on your window sill, or doorstep, talking about how he misses you or something.. Or just, some simple flowers... or any kind of sign that he truly cares.. All of which, it seems I am not worth. Eight months, I've spent with him, and eight months, he seemed to care.. but not enough to tell me he loved me.. not enough to do anything for me.. except see me when HE wanted to.. when it was convenient for him to see me.. Or, when all of his friends had plans, or the shop was closed to where he could not go play his fucking games.
  
  Why didn't I realise I was worthless to him before? I had hope.. I had dreams.. I was happy.. I was happy I was with someone for more than two months, I was happy I had someone.. but I could blantly see now that that someone not once seemed to care for me when I desperately needed it the most. When I needed reassurance, or when I was scared.. Not once was he there to hold me to tell me things will be alright, or to kiss me lightly, to let me know that he was there, and he would never want to leave me.. I guess i'm never important enough for any man to care for more than a fuck..
  
  Does that make me a whore? I guess, I don't know. I have set morals too high, then I drop them way low.. I might as well just hide in my room for now on.. It seems I'm safe here.. no one could harm me in the ways I am hurt.. No one can try to make things better, and in the end, just make me hurt worse.. I can learn from my mistakes, I can heal.. I can do this, I can do this all on my own.. I don't need anyone, I don't need anything.. Just reassure me at some tiems.. That's all I need.
  
  I can't find anymore words to show how I feel now, Just.. I am insecure.. once again, though, I have always been insecure..Everything lately has made it worse.. heh.. Because once I am over one guy... I seem to always find another to crush on.. But this time, I'm not forcing myself.. I'm not going to be desperate.. I'm not going to be an idiot.. It all depends on time, I guess.. and If he actually likes me.. One can say one thing, and mean another.. I have learned.. So.. I'm not one to to let people get to me anymore.. I mean, He's cute.. and Is like I expected him to be, but.. I don't know.. time will tell.. If he calls me, then It would be nice, to talk to him daily, would be nice.. I have his shirt.. XD. heh. *sigh*
  
  I'm going out.. =

  • 6:43 pm
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