February 12, 2012

• submittal

  Have you ever had the chance to just sit down, by yourself and just look back on your life to see where you are and where you came from? Have you ever looked back on the many things that you have done in your life, and wonder what you should have done different and if you had; what would you be like? Love? Jobs? Every once in a while, I do.. and I wonder: What would I have been like if I never did some of the stupid things that made me who I am today? What if's... those are the best. They always let you know your brain is there.. They let you wander off into a dream world, and then you can let your imagination run wild.. And then you have the chance to remember--- For some things, it's never too late.. And then others, you remember that your chance has came and went and is nothing but a whisper into the wind. I've thought long and hard about where my life is now, and what it should have been. I've only recently became so aware of my surroundings.. As if my soul has given me a chance to look at things at a different perspective and see that I am capable of doing anything.. I am a unique being with capabilities that I'm happy to say surpass a lot of the people I know. I am glad to know that there shall be no one exactly like me, because I am always changing, always flowing, to my own design.

   

  Unfortunately, along with this realization.. I've awoken parts of me that have not seen the light of day for many years now.. While some thoughts are soft and serene others wage war on each other trying to throw me into a complete chaos in which I don't think I could survive.  Many old Demons that lurk into the depths of my mindscape have found their way through the labryinth to say hello once more, and though I know I'm stronger than I was when I myself created these atrocious beings, I know that I'm not strong enough to get rid of them.. So I live, day in and day out wondering if they are going to appear for a short amount of time, or if they are going to stay around. Though, I know the answer is always going to be for them to invade my precious thoughts while I dream.. to manipulate and torture my soft, caring being to turn on itself like a caged animal. It seems no matter how many times I keep admitting this to myself, I always wake up the same way, every single night. Drenched in sweat, paranoid, hearing the voices, and wondering if I'm alive or dead. Sometimes, my dreams I can't remember, and other times it feels like it truly happened.. and then it sets in on what they're doing.. trying to manipulate my thoughts to which they can come out on top and submit me to their will.

   

  For now, I've learned to live with them.. To make a deal with ones own demons as a sign of just wanting to live on, through the tough times.. And through this, I can find that little bit of peace within my chaos .. and find balance, once again.. I'm not quite there yet, but I know eventually I'll be there. Sometimes, I imagine it just having a different feel to the wind, and other times I feel it would mean me to be alone - left to my own demise for a while. That would be nice, but not strong enough to even attempt to try that as of yet. The last time I was foolish enough to fall for that i ended up with scars that will never heal and quite a lot of paranoia. --- But I accomplished my own war drum.. now, able to flow and dance to my own song- create, live, tell, and respect. I will always be stronger than anyone expected, I am my greatest enemy, and my truest friend.  I am a human being.

   

   

  • 4:26 am
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