August 16, 2007

  • As I awaken each day, I wonder if this shall be the day in which I finally figure everything out in my mind.. With each problem, my blood so warm,a nd thick runs cold and tainted. Tainted by the reality of everything finally sinking in. No longer am I in dreamworld, but infact in reality. So much flows through me, and my voices, personalities torment me within. I have no real meaning of what I am or what I shall become. I let fate now run my life, but if you ask me.. fate is doing a piss poor fucking job at running it. So much for that idea, I let everything come to me, as it should, me not pulling too far, or too hard for antyhing, and It always seems to lead to another problem.

    I now say my goodbyes to love. I say goodbye to everything keen in the world that I had once held dear. It seems as if now, all I cause is trouble and pain. I long to be forgotten by the souls that hold me closest. I wish to nolonger be there for people when they desire, I seem to always hurt them the most.

    Stillness, darkness. My blood runs cold, my eyes close yet again. Is it time to forget it all, drug myself to the point in which I cannot define reality? Is it time for me to let go of all of my morals, all of my thoughts, no matter how true they may be and try to be free again? Is it time for me to let go of my soul, let it be condemned by Hells creatures alike? I fadeaway, yet again. Soft words can be hummed through my ears. I don't know if it is I or my friends that have came back for another visit. It's going to probably be a sleepless night with them here, in my head. It always is. They love to torture me, remind me of everything I have done wrong, drive me to the point of breaking, drive me to the point of crying. My soul, tortured.. my heart, black as night. I'll never feel any type of pure true love. Everything has a flaw, no one seems to make me happy.

    Switched again. I'm never the same personality anymore. Maybe I should start taking medication. Maybe I should start trying to even things out. Maybe I should return to the astral world, and end it all. In my sleep, yes.. that's the way to go.. But not yet, It's way too early. I have a couple more years before its all suppose to go away.; All the personalities, all the hardships.. All of it to be whisked away, but not yet.. I need it, I somehow feed on it all.. hoping for the best to come out of everything, though.. that's always a joke. Nothing ever becomes right.

    Sweat pours from my head, I feel like a whore. Don't know why yet. Maybe I'm tainted.. Maybe I am destined to do something bad soon. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. Its hot in here again. Its always hot in this room. The fan is so far away.. I don't really feel like getting up to turn it on. Palms are sweaty. Maybe that's another sign. Maybe it all plays apart in someway. Arms are growing tired. maybe I need to sleep, or try to at least. Maybe I can block them out tonight, maybe.. I can go back to normal.


    Funny thing, Real life is... Funny thing, The pain it brings.. I feel sick to my stomach. I have done wrong. I know it in my heart, and in my soul.. I just don't know how yet.. I'll find out how.. I always do.