August 6, 2012

  • Pushit

    "Rest your trigger on my finger,
    bang my head upon the fault line.
    Take care not to make me enter.
    'cause if I do we both may disappear.

    But you're pushing me,
    Shoving me. Pushit on me.

    Slipping back into the gap again.
    I'm alive when you're touching me,
    Alive when you're shoving me down.

    But i'd trade it all
    For just a little bit of
    Piece of mind."

    Pushing me..Shoving me..

    I'm so lost, in my own unknown.. And I don't know where to turn. I don't know what to say, what to feel, where to turn.. There's so much that I'm certain of, and so much that I'm not.. I don't know how to face my problems anymore..I just.. don't.

    I feel so broken, and damned... but not alone.. Light, guide me..

    I feel like a place that has become so sacred to me, so charished will be filled with anger, hate and drama.. I feel as if anything I put down to paper shall be used against me, I will be cursed, and yelled at.. I just... don't know what to do.. I have so much I want to put down, but I don't want to deal with the drama...

    As for you, Wanderer.. We have much unsettled business. My post was out of anger, Yes.. But, You have to look at things from my prespective.

    I'm so used to abandonment, I'm so used to being thrown away, discarded when something better comes along. The way you treated me when you were around me, you acted so cold, and bitter.. I planned on staying until Monday with you, and you wanted to send me home early. I left because I felt more hurt than anything. NOT ONCE. Did you text me back after I was talking to you. Your excuse was that you had shitty signal. Really? You were going to use that on me after I WATCHED you let your brother walk around your house to talk to his dad, and he never once complained.. And I had perfectly fine signal.. Then, AFTER TWO DAYS, and after you already hung up on me, wouldn't respond to my texts, you deactivated your facebook, and pretty much disappeared. At least when I wasn't talkative I sent you texts every once in a while, explaining why. At any time you could have went back to the library, reactivated your facebook, and told me what was going on, that way I'd know. or, you could have used someone elses phone to at least call and let me know, or write me on here. All of these options I still see as something, so I have a hard time seeing it from your perspective on this, I'm sorry.  Also, what the hell did you want me to do, wait around for a few weeks to see if you were really ignoring me or not? Again, last time you talked to me you hung up on me, I took that as a sign that you didn't want to talk to me, because there was NO attempt of contact from my angle from then on.. THEN, you decide to finally start texting me, you blow my fucking phone up and act like I'm lying about where I'm at? That's another thing that seriously got to me. I told you "We will talk about this later" AND YOU STILL, kept coming at me about the issue. Thus, why I haven't contacted you back yet, because I needed to catch my thoughts, and cool off before i said something pretty nasty to you. I don't know if you'll even read this anymore, or if you'll even talk to me if i try to talk back, But.. All this shit has been bugging me.

    I just, Feel like I got thrown into a turbine of emotions, one moment, you seemed like Iw as your world and the next moment you didn't even want to pretty much touch me.. It hurt pretty bad, I'm not going to lie. Now that I think about it, I don't even think you did it on purpose.. But, Ya know.. I guess It's all my fault then, huh? Everythings always my fault. I'm always the fuck up..

    Oh, and BY THE WAY. Not once did I compare you to my ex's. I don't know where the fuck you got that indication..

    I think I've done enough damage. Whether or not you will read this, who knows? I'd rather you read this and see what I see before I pick up and waste my breath on a stupid argument.