Sometimes, it’s the smallest thing in your life that will really change you. For better, or for worse. It seems at this point every single breath that you can take will change you in some form. I feel as if the past two years has been a blur to me. The last year, seems to have been nothing but utter confusion for me (emotionally.) I have been focusing so much on trying to figure out where my ground is below my feet that I have been forgetting to look at everything around me, as well.

I’ve learned the value of friendship, and all that it should be. I have seen what people will stand by me through my worst, and which will help me gather my feet and walk again. I’ve been there for so many of you, and a lot of you have been there for me through some pretty dark moments. For that, I don’t think I can put into words for how much I can officially thank you. All I can offer is my friendship, and loyalty. I’ve tried to be such a strong person, and look past almost everything that has ever tried to trouble me..but sometimes, there’s some things you just can’t look past no matter how much you try. And for those moments, I need the strength within me more than ever.

Most of all, I’ve learned that no matter how much I don’t want to, I’ll always wear my heart on my sleeve. i’m not sure what it is that I see in you, but I am mystified by you. I want you more-so than I wanted anyone else. I am mesmerized by how you treated me, how you talked to me, and how you always made me smile with either a call, or a text message. However, it became apparent that it was far and in-between. I never knew what we were, or are… if you wanted me to be your girlfriend, or if I was just a side thing. I wanted to be yours, more than I wanted to be anything else, but I never heard you really say it. Thus, I guess the title of ‘imaginary boyfriend’ began. Because, I started to believe that you were not mine. But I still held on hope..

I guess that’s my weakness. The world can seriously yell in my face that what I am going to do is a bad decision, and that I should probably not do it. but, I’ll not listen. I need to figure things out the hard way. That’s the only way I’ll learn, right? I always have the need to laugh at myself at a few things because of this. I can speak tough as much as I want, be as cruel and mean as I want. However, when it comes to opening up my emotions, and letting someone know how I really feel about them.. I will always choke up with them. Most of the time, It’ll make me end up looking like an ass. Hooray? I guess I should get over it.

That part about having awesome friends really helps, though. Because of them I am able to look past a lot of the emotional turmoil I throw myself in. I keep my mind busy with work, Video games, and trying to include myself in more social things. This way, I don’t have to think of you too much. (Until I’m reminded of you by a song, action, or something else.) Then, I just have to bite down, and just keep walking. I guess maybe one day I’ll find out what I mean to you.. But I don’t think that’d be any time soon.

I have been looking back through some of the old photographs that I had acquired when I moved into my new apartment. Each one had a different memory tied to them, all of which I could happily recall almost.

More than anything, I can recall who the people are, and how much they had meant to me. (And still do.) A lot of the people had passed before I had really grasped the reality of how much they really would mean to me, and how much I enjoy them being around. I feel like I should have paid more attention to them, and took more away from them than I did.

Above all, I wish I had more time. I wish I would have went and saw them more, talked to them more, and got to know them even better than I already knew them. I understand they all loved me, and I did them. These were the people that I spent a lot of my life around, right? however, I was pretty young when a few of them had left me.. that alone kind of breaks my heart. I have videos, and memories from them which makes it all the better.. but I still wish that they were here with me. I wish I could turn to them and ask them some of the questions that I now have. 

I regret taking my life too fast, and trying to push myself too much forward, or being more worried about the latest boyfriend, or whatever I was into at the time to REALLY sit down and talk to them. Granted, people like my grandfather were a bit more stern. There was nothing he loved more than to ask me “What’s new in the world of Charlie brown?” and listen to what all new things I had been into, and what new stories I had to tell. I remember him calling me all the time to help him with his phone, or his computer.. And most of the time, I always forgot.. No matter how minor it was, I wish I would have made time to spend with him before he was gone. I find myself missing him more than I thought I would, often looking back over his Facebook page, and reading through the posts he had, or the pictures throughout his years.. I have a piece of him with me, and I still have the sound of his voice, but it’s just not the same as him being here with me to laugh.

Just like I have pictures of my Uncle and Aunt, who pretty much raised me the first half of my life.. My aunt, leaving me still pretty young. All I can remember is being a complete hellion around her. I don’t even remember why now, but I remember getting my ass whipped it seemed like every other day for doing something bad. I remember towards the end of her life, taking care of her.. and her teaching me all of her recipes. The biscuits and gravy she used to make was the best thing I had ever had, and I would always get it every saturday morning. She cared for me and my sister like we were her own children, and I was a complete pain in the ass to her.

I remember the roadtrips we would go on.. My Uncle, My aunt, my sister and I.. I remember driving to Alabama to meet my sisters family, and I remember going to California to meet some of my cousins.. I remember staying up late while my uncle drove, listening to the roar of the engine and watching the beautiful skylight from city to country.. Something about it completely peaceful. The last few years he was alive,I know I didn’t get a chance to spend all that much time for him..and still, to this day I kick myself in the ass over it. I wish I would have pushed more to see him, get to know him even more, and make him proud of me.

Above all, I miss their laughs, the smiles, and their faces at the family reuinions.. The way they’d shout my name when I was in trouble, or whenever it was starting to get dark outside and was time for supper. I wish I could have learned more from him, and I hope that I still make them proud..

Wherever y’all are, I hope.. I in some way, have made you smile down on me.. Forgive me for not spending more time with you, and know that I do miss you, and would probably do anything in the world to have y’all back..

-Charlie

Tilting my head back, I take a deep breath to take in all of my surroundings. I can feel each and every heart beat within me, as if it was the ringing of the church bells. That faint feeling, of it slowing down. Not from illness, but from your own mind, your own emotions.. Your own heart.

Each and every sigh, feeling heavier than the last until it feels like you’ve got bags of sand on your chest. All of us have felt it at one point or the other in our life.. But how did we move past it? How do we figure out what it is, and where it comes from? Sometimes, we know exactly what it is, it’s just a matter of how we want to deal with anything past that which consumes us and our thoughts.

That deep compressing feeling, mixed with the knowledge of there’s just something missing in your life.. I know what it is, but I still to this day fail to recognize it’s existance. I know it’s because my heart longs to be tethered to someone, but I honestly have no desire to let anyone get close.. Although, I know I’ll eventually need to pull off my armor.. I don’t think I’m ready to just yet..

No matter how much I actually want to write, or to make my words flow as they sometimes do, I just am so stuck in neutral. Nothing that I can say, or write ever sounds exactly as I want… Did I finally find a way to break myself, again?

It seems like I finally figured out who and what my wanderer was that I wanted this whole time. The one person I thought i was looking for, to be exactly what I want them to be. I hoped, and wished that they’d come true so bad that I never thought to look ahead.. The wanderer is me.

It all makes sense now, of course. I wanted someone to be able to walk into my life and whisk me away. I wanted them to take all my problems, and help to hold the weight of the wold. What I wanted and what I got are actually pretty much the same thing.. Only, it’s in me. I figured out that I can actually really rely on no one to be there for me 100% of the time. Because I myself will never allow them to be. I wanted something romantic, real, and filled with love. I wanted what every girl wanted. The only difference is, most of the girls now have it and I walk away empty handed. Although, I know partially this is mostly my fault. I can never seem to actually settle down. I can’t focus, or actually show a full spectrum of what I am or who I am.

I was confusing love with lust this whole time. Which, of course now that I look back on it just makes me angry at myself even more. Why did I let myself follow this path, and why did I decide to jump down this rabbit hole? Am I that craved for attention that I must have every person that I want? Do I get so carried away in the moment, with who they are that I don’t think logically? I believe that’s the actual answer to everything that I have been wanting.

I don’t get attached because I don’t want attachment. I think I have actually finally figured that out, as well. My first boyfriend that I actually called mine, the one that I have written about time and time again in here — He may be the actual cause of all this. He may be the reason that I can no longer really accept a real relationship in my life. All the things I went through with him made me stronger as a person, made me stone cold with emotions, but made me weak with fear of someone getting too close. Ever since I had my heart broke, I’ve reacted the only way I know how.. Use them, abuse them, lose them.

God-awful now that I think about it. The only problem is, I don’t know how to change. Nor, do I think I want to.

You see, there may be one specific person that may just be able to break this for me.. However, I’m unsure about so many different things when it concerns him, that I have no idea where to begin. He has such an allure to him that I’m constantly having him running through my mind. I’m constantly wondering if he is thinking of me, what he is doing, and when I can see him again. Every single point of contact I get with him whether it is physical or technological.. I fall for him. His mind, his voice, and his body. To me, he actually may be perfect. — However, this time.. I’m so unsure about everything, that it actually leaves me a bit on the ‘fucking terrified’ scale.  How much of this is actually real? Does he feel the same about me? Does he even think of me the same way I do? Am I just a thing to him? — The same questions, with the same answers as always.. I always assume, think and wish that it is all true. But, in the end I’m either proven wrong, or I walk away because I don’t want to get hurt.

I know that if I want this to work, if I want to carry on with him; my armor has to come off. The only problem is, I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what to feel, or think. On one hand, I’m happy to shed my armor and let someone in my heart. On the other hand, I’m absolutely terrified that this will actually be the binds that break me. I can’t and won’t push anything.. From now on, I’m putting the reigns in someone elses hands and letting them steer. If they jump off, then I know it was not meant to be and my armor can stay in tact.

I know at this point, I will remain what I have now come to understand as myself.. The wanderer.

Day starts to give way to night, the sky painted in an array of colors all slowly turning to black. Off in the distance, cars can be heard as most can expect; living on the fringe of a major city. She stretches, looking up at the sky with a smile on her face as she can see the stars making their appearance tonight. With no clouds in the sky, she couldn’t help but wonder how beautiful it would be to actually see a sky full of them once again. Living within a metroplex had dimmed her view on the sky, since at most she could only see a few stars and the moon she never bothered to look up to really take anything in. However, since she relocated further away from the metroplex she could start to listen to the world around her yet again.

She stretches her arms above her head smiling intently of just how peaceful her life has become. Closing her eyes, she starts to drift through her thoughts attempting to remember if there was anything that was actually suppose to happen today or if she could just stay in this position forever. She hears the sound of an engine purring by her apartment and it starts to click with her. “Oh shit!” she says, raising up at an alarming rate. “What time is it?! Where’s my phone! I’m suppose to see him!” Panicing, she starts to rummage through her belongings outside and darts inside to check the time. A sigh of relief washing over her as soon as she realizes she has another few hours before he is to make his appearence to her.

Deciding it’s best to take a nap before tonights festivities begin, she turns on her radio and wanders back to the outside. Curling back up in her chair she starts to drift off letting the radio whisk her away. .

The soft night breeze dragging long locks of her black hair across her face, she starts to drift back to consciousness. The purr of an engine heard coming down the road, she perks her head up just in time to hear her phone start to go off inside her apart. Launching up, she dashes inside almost tripping over her poor cat to answer the call in time. “Hey there!” She says, smiling in a flirtatious way as if he was already at her door. “Well hello there, gorgeous. I thought I’d let you know that I’m almost there.” he said, with the same amount of flirtation in her voice. She smiled, the very thought of him almost here excited in her a way that she’s not been in a while. She absolutely adored hearing his voice over the phone. It was deep, demanding, and had quite a bit of a southern drawl to it – something that she has came to admire in a man.

From the night where shadows are made
I thank all that that I hold true
This is where my demons stay
and I hold them back for you.

The strength in me to stay strong,
Or to play off like I don’t care
is because I know I don’t belong,
I have no place anywhere.

So through the night, I stir
quick, silent and with blade
Making my past just a blur
I focus on what can be made

The stranger looks her in the eyes, a faint smirk appearing across his face as she touches his skin.
“Your lands? Wanderer, you’ve must be mistaken. This is my territory, and my lands to hunt on. From where do you ascend?” He said, chuckling under his breath at the preposterous assumptions which this Woman has made.
“I ascend from the towers high, I am an Elder of the clan of nightstalkers. We live with darkness, embracing it and it’s benefits.” She said.
“I see.” He turned for a moment and ran his hand through his beard, staring in silence at the woman.
“Your name you have not yet given me, but I have told you who I am. I believe you still owe me that.” She said, hinting with a demand in her voice.
“Ah, But of course, I have not. Although, you’ve never told me your true name, Nightwalker. That is what I have asked for, but have not gained yet. If you want to know me, it’s best to answer completely.” He tapped his chin with his index finger, walking backwards to lean on a wall of the somewhat dilapidated building.
“Very well then….” She let out a sigh”  My name is Jarrica.  Now, may I know yours?” she grunted a tad, having felt a bit more exposed than she truly wished to be. She tapped her fingers patiently, still pondering in the back of her head if she was going to have to fight her way free to return to her people. It shouldn’t be much longer before one of the clansmen have noticed how late she has been out, and is now sending an Apprentice to track her.
“My clans has named me Wolfe. However, my birthname is  Jaden. I’m the watcher of my people. It’s nice to meet you, Jarrica. . . it’s very.. Fitting, for you.” He smirked and looked into the distance, to see a member signaling him in the distance. “Hm, I guess I’m needed yet again..” He took a step closer to Jarrica, looking into her eyes. “Perhaps… I may run into you again?” He reached his hand out to touch her, but was quickly parried with one of her knives which was strapped to her arm.
“Maybe, you may.. Jaden. However, I think it best not to touch a wild woman without first getting to know them. ” She smirked, and leaned forward to be inches away from her face. She looked into his eyes, and saw expectation in them; as if she was going to kiss him. Jarrica let out a small chuckle, and flipped her mask back onto her face, then pulled up the hood to her cloak.
“See you around, Jaden-Wolfe. ” she moved away from the man, turned and darted back towards the direction which she previously came. Swiftly, she moved through the streets, leaping across anything that got in her way. Though she was sure she was quite the distance away, she felt his eyes still upon him and thought it best not to go directly back towards the eldars. An alleyway appeared to her right, and she took a sharp turn into it,scaling the building and retreating back into the dark. There she waited for a few minutes, trying to confirm that he was indeed, not following her.
He watched her leave, admiring her prowess. The thought had indeed crossed his mind to follow her to see where she indeed hails from but thought it best to leave the topic alone for now. The last thing he needed was to risk his life for a woman he just met when so many still counted on him. A slight sting could be felt from his wrist where she had parried him with her wrist blades. Raising his arm up to see the minute amount of blood that she had brought he smiled. It had been a while since any person had gotten close enough to hurt him, and it intrigued him.
Jaden sighed and thought it best to see why the clan was grabbing his attention. He licked his fresh wound, then proceeded to run towards his fort, looking carefully for any signs of this mysterious woman, or some of her clan which may attack him.

She hoists the game that she had won from the night up to the towers of eldars, so that it could be distributed through the clan equally. After the game had been taken, she waited for them to place the rope back in it’s holster, and she let go of her end to explore her surroundings a bit more before going back to the elder’s tower for rest.

The sun, now shining brilliantly between the clouds lights the down town area with the broken glass being used as mirrors. her eyes start to slowly readjust as she walks further, her gaze not breaking from a tree that she has spotted ahead. Her right hand retreats back into her cloak, to grasp the hilt of the blade for just in case she is attacked, she may have a heads up on them. She walks forward through the rubble which now lay astrew in the streets, until she finally gets close to her destination.

A rustle is heard ahead of her in the vegetation and she snaps back to being alert, crouching down for better mobility and slows her pace as to not be detected. Slowly, she’s able to move away from the bush and find cover from a pile of rubble not too far away. Crouched down, she pulls her bow from her back with an arrow from the quiver on her side. Intently, she watches the bushes until finally a young girl appears. Shocked and bewildered, she loosens the tension on her arrow to better study this young girl.

Being entranced by the playful giggles of the child, she does not hear the man approach her from behind, softly pressing a blade against the back of her shoulder blades. Quickly, she tries to reach for the blade at her side when she is pressed harshly forward onto the rock, and the blade pressed harsher into her skin. She softly emits a growl as a warning to the predator which has now imprisoned her to an extent. A chuckle can be heard as he steps closer to her, to make sure she could not reach her blade.

“Who are you, Wanderer? Why do you tread on my territory?” He said in an overbearingly protective tone. A moment of silence passed too many for the impatient man.  “Speak to me, and reveal yourself, or you will not leave here alive!” he pressed the knife in deeper where it was now cutting her skin.
“Pull your damn knife out of my back and I’ll reveal myself to you!” She grunted trying to get unpinned form underneath this man and the rubble. “Very well, then. However, if you try to attack me, I will shout for my archers to take you down in a moments notice.” He said, pulling his knife away from his captive, and placing it back into it’s sheath.

She turned to face him, and sat against the rubble which she was pinned to a moment ago. Slowly, her hands move from within her cape, towards her hood to reveal her identity to this man. She removes the cloak hood slowly, her ravenous black hair falling out and around where the hood had once contained it. With another hand she pulls her hair out of the way of the Mask, revealing the Skull mask she wore over her face to protect her identity further. She looked up at the stranger whom had caught her off guard. She didn’t really think he looked too bad. His hair was dark and curly, eyes green like embralds, and was quite muscular with a few scars to prove his worth over time. She waited for him to speak, deciding it was better not to give too much of whom she was away.

Stunned, by what she looked like underneath it took him a moment to grasp that she was wearing a mask made from another human being. He pondered for a second on the thought of her being a cannibal, however the strange woman’s characteristics didn’t point to that. He gazed over her physique, and her weapons that were now laid beside her and thought she may be a hunter instead.

“And what about the mask, hunter. Remove it as well, and give me your name.” he demanded, gazing down into her crystal blue eyes, trying to seem more intimidating than he really was.
“Very well, then.” She sighed, and rolled her eyes at this man and thought it best to just do as he wishes, hopefully this can speed things up so she can get back to her own clan, and deal with the elders. She unlatched the mask from within her hair, slowly removing it to reveal her face, covered with animals blood, and makeup to enhance her intimidation in the dark. She blinked her eyes, then looked back up at the man, remembering that he had asked her name.
“I do not have one designated name. I go by several different names. Some, call me Nightwalker, others huntress, However my name that was given to me has been lost. It had died with everyone whenever it happened in the beginning. I’m known in my lands as Shadow walker. I am the huntress of the night, and feed my clan.” She smirked and stood up to see eye to eye with this man, that had called her wanderer. “And, who are you man of the light? What is the name given to you, who are your people, and why do you come so close to the borders of my grounds?”  She raised a hand to caress his cheek, noting how sharp his bone structure truly is. A man with features that she had not seen in quite a long time. She wondered to herself who this man really was, and if he even planned on letting her go back to her people.. Would be a shame to have to end his life from all she could see of him so far.

“Breeze still carries the sound
Maybe I’ll disappear
Tracks will fade in the snow
You won’t find me here”

So here I am, back in my own world, eyes closed, taking in my surroundings one more time. Sometimes, the best solution to the hardest decisions is the most simplistic thing that you can think of.. However, not all the time do you want to listen to that choice because what you want, and what will be are two different things. Or at least that’s the case for me.

Here I am, wondering to myself what is real and what isn’t real. Am I finally losing my control over what I think is the reality? Everytime I close my eyes, I open them in another place, in another time with different feelings, different thoughts, and a Different outlook on life. However, No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to figure out what this all means. I’m surrounded by people that I don’t know.. Are they going to be people that are coming into my life soon? Or, are these all fictional people made to fill a gap? I can tell that the me I see in my dreams is the me that I truly am.. The only difference, is my body is horrifically scarred from everything that I have went through, and have taken emotionally and physically. My arms have thick scars all over them from cutting. Which, makes sense, sort of. Every day, I begin to hate myself more, I begin to wonder what point there is for me being who I am and wondering why I decided to take this path.. I wonder what the point of being so positive when I have been so fucked is. I wonder why I’m alive, and what point my existance on this fucking earth is. I’m merely a person, surrounded by only a few whom can understand me, and even less that think on my level. Sometimes, this gets me to the point where I honestly just want to slash away at my own skin, to get rid of it and make me inhuman, and not like everyone else.. Not a drone, or a people pleaser. Then, I close my eyes and the same scenario plays out in my head, over and over:

Sitting in a room made of white tile, a pool of dried blood already on the floor, while more spills out of my arm, running down my hand and drips off.. Blade in hand, I slice away.. Over, and over, and over.. For nothing else but the feeling of pain, and relief.. To know that I am human, and that I really exist… To let go of my reality for even a moment, so that I can remember that it is alright to be me, and that there is a reason for me to be here.. Although, I keep going, deeper and deeper the knife penetrates my flesh, to where the bright red liquid is now flowing faster.. and I feel.. Lethargic. Then, Suddenly, I’m back into my reality, and everything is normal.

And now, after years of this same thought being played out hundreds of different ways, I think I can finally make peace with this dream and understand that it will stay here for a while, and may not ever go away.. It helps ease whatever I can go through, and pretty much drains me emotionally to the point where I feel so much better.

It feels so nice,t o just close my eyes, and not worry about the world.. I feel like weight on my chest of all my problems, my hurt, my pain, sadness, and overall.. just everything being lifted from me, and I feel like everything will be alright.. in time.. But, No matter what I tell myself, I always know that it will be longer than I expected.

I remember when I was younger, I used to cut myself, or gauge my ears.. I used to hide these things from people, so I wouldn’t be judged as an attention whore, or someone that was doing it for fun.. I honestly think overall I wasn’t cutting myself to kill myself, But..Because I enjoyed it. I enjoyed feeling a knife cut into me, to open me up and let my blood run from me. It felt calming, and like a release to know that I was there, alive and could have feeling. Through that, I was able to find strength and peace.. But, I had to stop.. I had to stop because I got addicted… addicted to the pain, and the rush that it gave me. I started needing to do more, so I started gauging my ears, Picking fights, and just started hurting my fucking self any way possible to just let me know that I do have some sort of feelings within me.. Because for the longest time, things have been in black and white for me, that the blood was a vivid color that I just fucking adored.

And still, No matter how many people I have in my life.. I feel alone. I feel like I am so different, and so complex that no one can technically completely understand me, but only parts of me and who I am. I have no idea what to do, what to feel, and just feel completely vulnerable and lost. I keep trying to figure out what emotions are actually mine, and which ones I have planted in my mind to keep myself from thinking to much on other things..

And through all of this… All I want right now is silence, darkness, and to find my light…

The sun’s gaze streaks across the morning sky, signaling the start of a new day. Rays of light, shining off of the windows that still are intact on the sides of once great sky scrapers in the down town area. Streets lay with only rubble and empty cars that have started to rust and decay from abandonment. Buildings where life once flourished have now been abandoned and lay victims to the harsh fate of time. Some that have survived the great war still come to this place in search of shelter and supplies.

A hunter walks through these empty streets, carrying her prize of the nights hunt for her people. Her face, covered in blood and a mask made of human bone hides her identity. The early morning sun has only lit up the sky enough for her to make out her surroundings a bit better, while she may still lay hidden within the shadows of the buildings. She makes her way forward toward one specific tower that she has called her home. Keeping a close eye on her surroundings, she adjusts her cape again to where it may hide both her, and her fresh kills. Upon approaching the tower, she kneels down with her prize, and starts to wrap the kill in twine, so that it may be eaiser to carry upon her acension up the side of the tower of elders.