"Fight over the clouds, over wind, over sky
Fight over life, over blood, over prayer,
overhead and light
Fight over love, over sun,
over another, Fight..."

Everywhere I look, I find my rule. Maybe one of the biggest rules I have learned to live by. Trust no one. Sometimes, the only person that you can really trust is just yourself. Not because everyone will betray you, but because you 'Think' that they will. Perhaps they may, though. Then, you are in the right for guarding yourself so righteously. Other times, It may cost you that dear friend that you had for so long. But, people are replaceable, right? Most of the times this is true. However, sometimes, if your like me.. you leave your footprint in someone's life. Suddenly, this stranger now walks your path of life with you, and you're unsure if it's a good or a bad thing. . . .

Welcome to my life. I live on the edge of judgement, as I like to call it. Not because I'm a serial killer, or because I want to be a vigilante, but because I keep the peace. I keep the order. Or, I try to anyways. You never know what one little smile that you give that waiter, or that stocking person, or that little girl walking with a black eye.. You never know what affect that may have on someone. I can be a witness to this. Probably every day of my life in high school, I thought about killing myself. I thought about slicing my legs and arms up like fileted meat and just letting my body drain it's rich, vivid liquid. I thought it was normal, and I realized that I put too much thought into it. There was one person who broke me of my delusions... She helped keep me sane, she helped keep me alive, smiling, and she helped ignite the fire in me. Although, I was so far behind on social etiquette at the time, and I was just so desperate for attention that I didn't care from whom. And of course, that's how it all began.

Yes, david, I spoke of you. The one where it all began. Though, our history runs dark, deep, and probably some of the worst times in my life.. You helped me become who I am today, as I have mentioned you off and on for years now, you know your place in my life. You are one of the irreplaceable. For that, I thank you.

Since that time, I have shifted, Molded, and finally found a form that I could call my own in time. I adapted to people, found out what they liked and disliked, and made it into an art. I had become a mirror. Whatever emotions I was given, I could duplicate and send back to the owner, thus getting anything and everything that I wanted subconsciously. And this skill has served me no other purpose than keeping the score of good and bad even. Remember how I said that a smile can do wonders? Try walking past somoene that you can hear in their mind talking about killing themselves. Placing a hand, smiling, and saying it's all going to be alright, and to hang in there can pretty much change their mood. The moment in which you can look into their eyes, and see that pain, the hate, the suffering and connect to them, not only as a human being, but as an energy force that has the same flow, relaxes them so much more than you can ever imagine.

People were gifted with amazing talents, only some of them have I really been able to understand. our ability to connect, mingle, understand and create identities that make us unique but still one in the same is so amazing, so different, and so special, unlike any other living organism known to man at this moment in our lifespan. Clearly, we cannot be alone in the vast universe, with thousands of galaxes, and probably hundreds of planets that are technically just like us, in every aspect. Who knows, maybe your soul that you have connects you to another planet, where your doppelganger does the exact opposite of what you do. interesting, eh? Never the less, we will never find this out in our lifetime.

And for once, I feel like my blog has just turned to babble instead of careful writing, and detail which I usually always put into everything that I do.. I guess, this time.. I can blame it on sleep deprivation. in which case, good night. You will hear from me shortly.

I feel as if I have finally opened my eyes, and have made it through the thick fog that has surrounded me. I see my mistakes, My misfortunes, and where I need to step forward. The path I seek has come clear for the moment, and I can succeed in my small goals that I have desperately reached for. In time, I shall make all my aspirations come true.

I think that's all I can really rant on at the moment, time to throw myself into some hard-core meditation.

"I'm sorry for the demon I've become
You should be sorry for the angel you are not
I apologise for crule things that I did
But I don't regret one single word I said"

Sometimes, I question my judgement on people. I seem to always try to find the good in every single person, even when I know that there's not really hope in them changing or moving forward. I guess, sometimes it's because I know life has dealt them a bad hand and I want to help.. but, there's only so much I'm willing to do. I can only be asked for a ride, for money, or for anything of that nature before I decide I just can't do it anymore. I like hanging out with the person that they are, but not the apparent beggar they are. I've spent quite the amount trying to keep them a float, and have barely been paid back in return. I also, know that you've might have tapped out all of your sources on other people too, so the cry wolf bullshit of 'I'm getting evicted' Rings on dead ears now. Then, apparently me saying i can't give you a ride because I am already groggy from medication, then unable to sleep means that I'm not a good friend? Fine. I don't apparently need you around that much I guess. You've barely talked to me at all since I started my new job.

Just like me being sick of this city. I'm just so frustrated from everyone always just zoning in on themselves, not looking around, and seeing what lives they are putting in danger. Sometimes, I hope I can watch some of them pay the toll for texting and driving, but I know that I would be put in harms way, as well. All this ALWAYS happens in Dallas, thus... I'm fucking done with Dallas. I'm going to be trying to move as soon as I can to somewhere closer to my work because I'm finally done with this. I want to be able to live on my own, away from fucking leeches, and everything of that nature.

That's all for right now.

Do you ever notice how one person can make an impact on your life? And, when they pass from this world.. Everything seems to change? I am just remembering this concept, since it has decided to recently come to play with me again. My grandfather passed on saturday, and it seems that everything I do has a new meaning, and everything looks and feels different. There's no way for me to describe it other than my eyes have now been opened to a new part of the world. Maybe, it was always there and I just now have been able to see it as I do since I'm more awaken. Or, Maybe it's just from the world seeming different with me just knowing that he is gone from this world.

Just thinking of him gone has been quite the painful thing. More so than I thought it would be.. And it had caught me completely off guard. I wasn't ready for this day to come just yet, but part of me knew that it was coming. Me and my grandfather had our rough spots, but he was a kind person to me. He taught me so many different things, and helped shape me into who I am today. he was always there for me and my sister when we needed him, and would always drop anything that he was doing if we said we needed help. He always tried to make sure that when we were with him, we would have a fun time. He took us on road trips, Across the United States and I wish I would ahve took him on one more. He taught me so much of my skill set that I use to this day. He has been my inspiration, and I have wanted to make him proud of how I turned out. . .

My uncle Donald was the same way with me. Although I was young when he passed, He had taught me a lot. Between him and my grandfather, I had learned about tractors, Welding, Horses, Electrical work, Carpentry, driving, and to enjoy the little things in life. My grandfather used to love getting Sno-Balls, and He would eat one and I'd get the other.. Partially, because I was the only one that loved coconut as much as he did.. Now, every time I smell it.. It reminds me of him. Just like he loved showing me off, and being able to say that I was his granddaughter. I remember going to help him with Air conditioners and having people ask who I was. He'd always proudly tell them who I was and ask for my help. That was enough for me.

In honor of them, I'll be finally getting my family Tree to represent to people in my life who have passed that have shaped me into who I am today. Without them standing by me, supporting me in my decisions I would have not turned out to who I am today. In honor of them, I can say Requescat en pace. I Love you.

Somehow, i managed to find my way to a tavern with dim lighting. Sitting in a darker corner, i gazed upon the fellow people in the room. Some looked as if they were hardened with battle while others looked more like fresh from their mothers grasp. Perhaps, this is a part of the beginning of their adventures.

I lean back in my chair, taking a sip of my ale to relax a tad; still trying to make amends with my mechanical attachments. I raised my right arm up again, moving my wrist and watched the finely attunded parts clatter within. I can't complain all that much.At least my parts are functional..

And then, suddenly the air felt different as if i was not alone. I looked up from my hood, my eyed fixated on the door. Ready for a chance to test my new parts out if it came to pass, Tyr would guide my hands. Instead, a man in a cloak walked in. His clotges underneath, finely tailored and his manner more like a gentleman. I watched him stride towards the bar, sonewhat of a prudeful walk but not like most higher class that i had observed in the time stayed here so far. Something different, alluring about this stranger. His manner intriguing, i decide best to sit and wait to study this stranger further. He is no wanderer, and has his own destinations to where he wants to be. Fir not, this new stranger shall be studied, to learn what makes them tick, and to find out why he has an alluring aura. .

I lean up and adjust my cowl, and stand to walk towards this stranger. Maybe, introduce myself and get a glimpse of his eyes. . .

Softly, the sound of water dripping on stone starts to echo into my memory. The same repetitive noise tapping over and over, making me focus myself to start to awaken and wonder what the noise is. Upon opening my eyes, I look around only to discover that the room in which I am in is pitch black. "Keep calm" I tell myself, as I start to take a few deep breaths and start to wonder where the hell I'm at. On a better note, How the hell did I get here?

"Rest your trigger on my finger,
bang my head upon the fault line.
Take care not to make me enter.
'cause if I do we both may disappear.

But you're pushing me,
Shoving me. Pushit on me.

Slipping back into the gap again.
I'm alive when you're touching me,
Alive when you're shoving me down.

But i'd trade it all
For just a little bit of
Piece of mind."

Pushing me..Shoving me..

I'm so lost, in my own unknown.. And I don't know where to turn. I don't know what to say, what to feel, where to turn.. There's so much that I'm certain of, and so much that I'm not.. I don't know how to face my problems anymore..I just.. don't.

I feel so broken, and damned... but not alone.. Light, guide me..

I feel like a place that has become so sacred to me, so charished will be filled with anger, hate and drama.. I feel as if anything I put down to paper shall be used against me, I will be cursed, and yelled at.. I just... don't know what to do.. I have so much I want to put down, but I don't want to deal with the drama...

As for you, Wanderer.. We have much unsettled business. My post was out of anger, Yes.. But, You have to look at things from my prespective.

I'm so used to abandonment, I'm so used to being thrown away, discarded when something better comes along. The way you treated me when you were around me, you acted so cold, and bitter.. I planned on staying until Monday with you, and you wanted to send me home early. I left because I felt more hurt than anything. NOT ONCE. Did you text me back after I was talking to you. Your excuse was that you had shitty signal. Really? You were going to use that on me after I WATCHED you let your brother walk around your house to talk to his dad, and he never once complained.. And I had perfectly fine signal.. Then, AFTER TWO DAYS, and after you already hung up on me, wouldn't respond to my texts, you deactivated your facebook, and pretty much disappeared. At least when I wasn't talkative I sent you texts every once in a while, explaining why. At any time you could have went back to the library, reactivated your facebook, and told me what was going on, that way I'd know. or, you could have used someone elses phone to at least call and let me know, or write me on here. All of these options I still see as something, so I have a hard time seeing it from your perspective on this, I'm sorry.  Also, what the hell did you want me to do, wait around for a few weeks to see if you were really ignoring me or not? Again, last time you talked to me you hung up on me, I took that as a sign that you didn't want to talk to me, because there was NO attempt of contact from my angle from then on.. THEN, you decide to finally start texting me, you blow my fucking phone up and act like I'm lying about where I'm at? That's another thing that seriously got to me. I told you "We will talk about this later" AND YOU STILL, kept coming at me about the issue. Thus, why I haven't contacted you back yet, because I needed to catch my thoughts, and cool off before i said something pretty nasty to you. I don't know if you'll even read this anymore, or if you'll even talk to me if i try to talk back, But.. All this shit has been bugging me.

I just, Feel like I got thrown into a turbine of emotions, one moment, you seemed like Iw as your world and the next moment you didn't even want to pretty much touch me.. It hurt pretty bad, I'm not going to lie. Now that I think about it, I don't even think you did it on purpose.. But, Ya know.. I guess It's all my fault then, huh? Everythings always my fault. I'm always the fuck up..

Oh, and BY THE WAY. Not once did I compare you to my ex's. I don't know where the fuck you got that indication..

I think I've done enough damage. Whether or not you will read this, who knows? I'd rather you read this and see what I see before I pick up and waste my breath on a stupid argument.

I feel.. alone. Completely, and utterly alone. As if, I was just a 'get me by' until you found something better.. As if you didn't even want to touch me, hold me, or kiss me.. I feel as if when I accepted you, you didn't want to accept me.. Though, you said you loved my body.. You missed me.. It doesn't show.. Almost a full two days without contact to you, and although I have been worried, wondering if you are alright.. I see that you deactivated your facebook.. And I'm left wondering -- Was this all for nothing? Was I just a joke? An excuse to get you by? Were you even real to me? Where am I suppose to go from here..

I don't know. My wanderer, have you truly abandoned me? Have you truly left me to my own demise? It seems so unfair, but so fitting.. I hurt, so much over this.. but I'm not going to wait for an answer.. Barely any contact for three days, No texts for a full day.. I know when to take the hints, and just like that.. I'll vanish.

If you truly care, if you truly want me, time is against you right now.. Make it known to me, let me know that you want me. If you don't, I'll walk right back out the door.

"And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom. "

That's it. That's all I've ever needed to do. I've needed to let go, get lost in the oblivion. I've found solace in the darkness, the silence.. Freedom, from everything that had bound me. Emotions, pain, anguish and hope.. All of it, gone.. And in the process, freeing me from my mortal binds. Then and only then did I know what it feltlike to be alive.. To live for myself, and not to rely on anyone. That's me. I'm taking so many chances, working or a better tomorrow, and trying my best to keep my head above the water. Learn to swim, learn to swim..

I used to want that perfect guy.. Tall, dark haired, Handsome.. The Aura to bring me to my knees, and a voice like the sweetest melody that I have ever heard. A smile that burned like a thousand suns, Perfection to me in every way possible.. But, I know that he probably doesn't exist. I know that he's not around.. and if he does, he's been found by someone better.. Prettier than me in every way.. Looks just fade in time, and I think that mine have already done that. I guess you can say that I lost hope for that Image long ago.. but, there's a lot on my mind..

I have a few love notes that I want to get through. Mainly because I am at the point where I need to just drop it all, stop caring, and move on.

David T.
-- I forgive you. I gave you my whole heart, I wanted to be with you and only you. I thought at one time that you were the one that I was going to marry. I could do nothing but think about you, and I still find myself wondering the What if's of life.. and if I would have just figured out what I know now sooner.. Would we be happy? -- We moved in separate directions for a reason. I'll always love you in some way, but I do hope for true Happiness for you.

Kevin Z.
-- I'm sorry. You got the blunt-end of a lot of my emotions.. We both hurt each other a lot, and at the same time, I know I hurt you more than you hurt me. I know I fucked up, and So much of it is in the past, and I know that you forgive me.. but I still think of how fucked up  I was to you. I'm sorry, hon. I wish I was a better person when we were together.

William M.
-- I think both of us knew that us being together was a mistake. Not that I didn't have fun with you, and the sex was amazing.. But, we knew that that's what we'd end up wanting more. I did care for you, but the moment you started picking up the bottle, and caring more about it, and treating me like a piece of trash was signs that we were over.

Bo.
-- You're a different story altogether. Though, I did care for you, I don't even know if I can say that I truly loved you anymore. You treated me so different. At first, you were great to me, you made me happy.. but, after the incident with my horse, I saw just how fucking blank you are. I held on hoping for a change, for you to see things a little more from my perspective, but that was never the case. I was punished anytime I didn't do something that you wanted. I realize now how much of a sour taste our time together had left in my mouth. I also came to know that you were never a Vemon to me, you were a poison. You killed what little emotions that I had within me to people. Though, I think you already knew that.. And While I work hard to get back what little I have left, I fucking hope you have fun with that left-over piece of fuckin' shit Amberly. by the way, she's already cheating on you.

Anubis
-- You'll always be the one that I secretly wish I had. you had me at hello, and if Circumstances were different, I can't say that i wouldn't be there with you right now.. I wish I would have taken that chance, I wish I would have just went, and done what I should have done.. I wish I wasn't so scared.. I wish that you come back in one piece.. I love you.

There they are..Some of the most influential men in my life. All of them., Varying in what I wanted. Some, won't ever see this, and some will probably hate me a little more when they see this.. but, I don't really care.

I decided when I was in Arkansas to open up and write about this. I needed to find closure, and to just.. Quiet it down to kind of just be able to move on and move forward with my life..

So, I've been thinking about how much I have been thinking lately... Wait, that's a bit redundant isn't it?

Anyways, so I've decided that I have been thinking too much.. Putting too much thought into things that shouldn't even matter to me, but in some small way I over think, and stress out over it al... And right now, I'm trying to stop.

I never noticed how much strain it will put into someone's relationship when one person decides to Beene refuse... I felt like such a failure
When I realiszed what exactly I was doing, but eh. Everything's fixed for now. Still looking all the time for some where to put improvement in my life, try to make things better, and try to find the positive in all the negative around us all.. Sometimes, it can be a little hard, and sometimes it just seems like the whole world will consume you if you dont watch yourself.. But right now, I can say that I'm happy I'm bak on track. Sometimes, it takes a bit of time for me to remember who or what I am in this life, and to remember the things and the people that matter.. And for that, I'm sorry.

All I can do is try, and try... That's the main thing I seem to be good at is just trying.. I can say that I'm thankful for what I have in this life.. Great friends, amazing family, and an amazing guy beside me... It just makes everything worth it in the end. . Because they are the people that will be there for me in the end. They are the people that will be there by me when I fall, they are the people that lean on me when they have no where else to go.. And I can gladly say that I can start doing the same, letting more people into my life and try to let them understand why or who's I do the things I do..

Just like I think I realized the reason I ave run from so many relationships in my past... I wasn't
Tever anything to do with the guys.. Except a few.. Bt mostly me...scared of commitment, scared of holding onto someing that might actually make me love, feel, hope, and be happy. I liked the chaos, the random, and most of all, hurting them. There's so much I wish I could go back and fix in my life, and most of all, ask for forgiveness from all the people that stood in my warpath against theguys at had hurt me in the beginning..

There's always going to be that one... Tat one that to is day, I'll await an apology from.. Nt because I want him bak, but I want to understand why he did the things that he did.. I want to understand why he had the urge to hurt me the way he did, and make me who I am today? I guess it's all not for nothing, ive learned so uh in the short time I have been alive so far... And I have learned what you need in life to live..

Emotions aren't a weakness, they are a sign of being human. This is something that I was just reently was taught when I found out that I was dropping bak into an old pattern.. Sadness, depression, and the want to ust escape it all set in.. The thoughts that I was a failure, that I had been defeated, and broken ... But, my samurai told me I wasn't. He made me understand just how much I mean to him, how much I might mean to everyone aroun me.. And I know he has been getting the short end of the stik the most on is.. I've been being stupid an just thinking of my world, and not OUR world. The world that we wil bud together.. The work where we will be happy, are free, and just.. Try to stay positive.

Sorry, this is just the makings of my mind... Most of this, random and just trying to understand myself. I'm changing, constantly. Trying to just ... Get it together. I think I'm okay, for now...