'Listen...'
Now I wait to take my turn to bleed, Like a kid playing with a razor blade; And wonder if I have The balls at all ...Or am I gonna be afraid..?Where are you? What do you think? 'cause I'm not sure when.. Knocking at death's door if I will be welcome in or be left alone outside..

There's so much trapped inside of me.. Love letters, Love notes, Hate notes... insecurities, and confusion.. I need so much to get it out .. but, I know no matter what I say I will hurt someone, somehow. Although, I know that this is my spot to thrive, my spot to think, my personal opinions, thoughts.. but I know the power of words. I know how much people read my stuff, Mostly, to just see what's on my mind..

and I'm trying.. I'm trying.. that's all I can do..

While I had a very fun filled day, with shopping, walking, and just overall being at peace, I just couldn't keep my mind from racing. Now that I'm home, I keep having these thoughts, moments just flashing forward, wanting to be brought out, and talked about.

The one keep thing I keep wondering, is why. Why am I still here? I'm about to be 22 years old, and i barely have anything to show for myself. Everything that I have, I have gotten with the help of others. None of it officially on my own. But, I claim it as my achievement, when it shouldn't be. I keep wondering "When will you do something to make everyone proud?" And right now, I don't think I can. I keep thinking, what am I doing? Where am I going? Where am i going to end up in this life? What will I be like when I get older? What would it be like to be married? To have kids? What if, I don't like my kid? What if they hate me? What if I fuck up? What is it going to be like to be old? To die? There's so much around me, and what would it be like to be alone, without any of it? Can I handle it? Can I handle everything that I know will happen in time? Am I strong enough?

I know, right now.. I don't know the answer to any of these.. All I know is that I can keep pressing forward in time, and hope for the best. I know what I am capable of, and right now... I need to keep my eyes on my main prize. If I can achieve what I want, then I know I can conquer the world. This, it probably going to be part of my next tattoo that I'm planning on getting "Sumus insaniunt hic." Or, "Wir sind alle verrückt hier." not sure which I'm going to go with 100% yet, But it means "We're all mad here" Meaning, everyone is a bit of crazy.. or, simply, that my whole family Is crazy, my friends are crazy, and I have accepted it. I'm not ashamed of how I am, not anymore. I know that I'm a great, amazing person, and that I should be proud of how I have turned out.. which, I really am.

I didn't really mean for this post to be something like this, but it ended up turning out like this.. And there's so much more that I want to talk about in it, but I just don't know how to put it into words. I guess, I'm at a point in my life that I know now that I can start working on my appearence again, and get my old self back.. Slowly, but surely .. I have been seeing a huge change in how I look, and luckily this time  it is for a better.. Started working out twice daily, and eating a bit healthier, I cannot stand the taste of soda, and I have limited my booze.. (For the most part. heh.) . . . Tonight, I just am sitting down with a nice glass of wine, and a hookah.. and just relaxing all alone, waiting for my phone to charge so I can talk to my wanderer. heh, I guess it's mandatory that I mention him from now on, eh?

He's definately something else, altogether.... He's been a great support, a great person to talk to, and just has been there for me a lot lately. Don't get me wrong, a lot of people have.. It's been a very tough path for me to start opening up a little to people, especially since I am not used to it in the slightest. Eventhough I'm opening up a little at a time, I'm still probably not going to be able to talk about everything that is going in my life at full... partially, because that is what this is for. This is my thoughts, my life, my processes, my joys, hates, and loves all in one. This is probably the most intimate thing I will have, for a while.. And although, I know a few people read it, I sitll don't mind sharing what is exactly on my mind with this, because well.. if they don't like it, don't read it, right?

I've also found that I have not completely lost my way.. I infact, still have a bit of life still in me.. I'm not as cold hearted as I thought.. and the main reason, Is hope. She guides my light, she is my essence, she sings my song of joy and sadness, and lets me think clearly in my most darkest moments.. When I hold her, my whole world, becomes technicolor and beautiful. My fingers, gracing her strings, her singing her beautiful melody back to me to let me know that we are one. We are united, together in heart and soul. Without her, I don't know if I'd be the same person that I am today, and I'm glad that I still have her. I'm glad that I'll always have hope because of her. I'm glad that I cannot lose my way, forever because she will guide me back.. And although, I'm a bit rusty.. It feels nice. It feels nice to be able to pick up my bow, and let her sing her heart to me, and let me cry tears of sadness and joy upon her. That in its own is the truest form of love to me, and although there are many that I love, I view hope as a part of me, a part of my personality. She has been one of my most constant things since i was 11 years old. She has been my song, and has been a part of me for almost half my life. I'm thankful for her, and her spirit.

It's funny, because I have actually found someone that I can say has made my emotions even out, makes me eager to talk to him, and just makes me overall happy. somehow, I feel like with him everything just fits right into place, kind of like it does with hope.. And although, I'm just holding on to strings left unfrayed in my mind at this particular moment, he makes holding on sound like such a great idea, until  he can be here with me, to fix me.. I guess would be the proper terminology. I just hope, that when he sees me.. He still thinks that I am good enough for him.. Because sometimes, I don't think I deserve him.. I don't think I deserve much in life, in general. Maybe that's just my cold harsh critic in me, but other parts of me think that's the cold hard truth.

Maybe that's from past relationships.. Where I tried SO hard to show them the good, the beautiful, and tried to show them that the world is a magnificent place, and each ethnicity is wonderful in it's own way.. All of that to be shot in my face, by a narrow-minded ass. Or, the fact that just because I smoke, and drink doesn't make me a bad person.. Just shows that I want to enjoy my life. Or, the fact that I want to better myself for my future, means that I work less hours, and get paid more.. But would still sacrifice it for time with them.. Maybe I'm just being brash, or mean, since I view it as not an easy break up, but then again, what can I say? I still feel like a pretty god-damned awesome badass, because I never fuckin' gave up through the whole ordeal.. He did. He gave up on keeping me. Maybe he knew, that I'd need better, or hell, maybe he thought that If he let me run free I'd come back.. I'm more of the type when set free, I'll run fast, swift, and to a distant place to reviatalize myself, to become one with all sides of myself, and to find that inner peace that I have longed for for so long now.

I think I found it, finally. Through my own eyes, my own ways, and my own happiness.. I am becoming stronger, happier, and more at peace with myself with each passing day..Most of it, is due to you my dear Wanderer. May you never leave my side.

Du bist mein Licht in meiner dunkelsten Momenten. Du bist mein Leitstern in der dunkelsten Nacht, und Sie sind, was hält meine Seele voran. Ich werde für immer dein sein, Wanderer.

-Kerrigan.

"Negligence is an extreme thing. The Way of the Samurai is found in death. When it comes to either/or, there is only the quick choice of death. It is not particularly difficult. Be determined and advance. To say that dying without reaching one's aim is to die a dog's death is the frivolous way of sophisticates. When pressed with the choice of life or death, it is not necessary to gain one's aim."

Dying, something that used to seem like something that would be such a great release from what I saw as a prison. However, I now know that dying now would infact be a dog's death. Everything that has happened, everything that I have lived through, has all been worth what I have right now. All who I have thought have been my right one, have all come and gone.. I've been left broken, and damned several times. I see the errors of everything that I have had before me, now. I have you, My Wanderer. 

Sometimes, I wonder what has happened in my life to make me get you right here, right now. I look behind me, at the path that I have made for myself, the destruction that I have wrought to more people than I can honestly count now. Once, I thought of myself as a foul, cold-hearted being, with no reason to actually ever attempt to care for someone else anymore..

And then I met you, My wanderer. You have given me this new profound breath, and life that I have now become determined. All in your name, Samurai.  At one time, I served a purpose of nothing but pleasing others; To make everyone around me happy and care not for what I felt. I have learned from my mistakes of the past, I have learned through myself that I must find happiness within to achieve my own kind of peace. With you, I can look from within my soul and see the light at the end of the tunnel proving that my existence on this plane is worth everything that I have endured.

At one point, you were my target. Not necessarily to eliminate, but to get to know. You had gathered my interest, and so I watched you from a distance. I let you know me a little, then vanished to see if you were worth what purpose I wanted you for. Months later, I appear back to you and you are exactly what I have expected. These moments in time, that I spend with you now are almost mirrored exactly with what I have dreamed. I believe that you are suppose to be on my path to enlightenment. I do believe that you are to accompany me from now on, My wanderer. There has been one word that I know we both have been pondering with what seems like a century, and that is .. 'soul mate.' Which, I am starting to believe more and more. It feels like within the little time that I have gotten to know you, It has been a century. I have learned so much about you, and I just keep wishing to know more. You've been just so different to me, have brought me alive in ways that I didn't know were possible to make me smile anymore. Each day I wake up wondering what new profound things I shall find out about you; What stories you will share with me.. Each day I keep wondering if this will be the day that I will see you, though I know those days are still far away.. I keep strong for you, My wanderer.

The more and more I get to know you, the more and more I keep having flashes of my life dart before my eyes. I feel like it's signs for myself to know that you are the one to accompany for now on, My wanderer. I feel like I can tell you anything in the world, and not fear judgement. I feel like I can tell you that your journey can rest here beside me for a while. Although, I know your journey in life is far from over. . I know this, because my journey is just beginning. There is much I want to see, experience, life, love, and just feel fulfilled. All of this, I know I can accomplish with you by my side, Wanderer.  I speak so fondly of you, because you seem to be the one thing that I may hold onto. i feel like you appeared in my life those months ago, to assist me with what is before me now. I believe that you crossed my path because you knew in some way that I was going to need you. Just like I do now. And trust me, that's not easy for me to admit to anyone. I am not the type of person to just simply admit to someone that I 'need' them. but with you, I will look you right in the eyes and tell you: "I need you, Not because i want to use you; But simply because I don't want to lose you. I do simply think, I have fallen in love with you. Quicker, harder, and deeper than anything that I think my mind could have imagined when your brother twined our fates together."

So I ask you this, My wanderer: Do you need me? Do you accept what I have to say? Do you wish to accompany me through this life, to not be alone? To be beside me? I can tell you, It might not be the easiest path in the world, but I will lay the ground before you and I will make sure that you find happiness.

Be the lightning in me, that strikes relentless.

Amor meus, Amicus meu, Vita mea ab initio.

The winds blow a soft cool breeze again showing that change shall be upon us. Fate had spun quite a vivid thread when weaving our paths, and they have finally came to cross. What a pleasure it is to meet you, Wanderer. i took notice to you as soon as you entered my life, and I'm quite happy that the hand of fate had deemed it for our paths to cross here, right now in this life. Your presence is most welcomed, and I ask you to stay a while, if not forever. Around you, I feel as if I can be who I really am and that nothing matters. Your mind has gifted me with your beauty, showing me that not everything is cold, venomous, and hurtful. You've given me a warmth that I've longed to feel inside of me for what seems like a Decade. You are most certainly, one of a kind. I shall be honored to call you mine. My own, personal wandering Samurai. A man that walked into my life silent, curious, captivating, and allured me. So much so, that I hunted you down like an Assassin does their target. Speaking of, what a pair we are. You, a wandering samurai -- and I... an assassin. Your blade held to my throat, whispering sweet nothings into my ear just seems like a bittersweet moment to me, now. Like a dance with fate for if it's for love, or death. Sometimes, it seems like both since you just seem to work your way into my veins, making me fall for you more and more with each passing moment that we are entwined. A dance that could make me chance death, I think for once I'm alright with this. For your very existence in my life makes it harder to breathe when you talk to me. Blood rushing, Heart fluttering, and your voice that soothes so. You give me a chance for new life, Filling me with lust and passion, and at times I'm so surprised and intrigued by these things that I have not seen sight of for years, that I am all the more attractive for you. Blade, sliding cutting across my flesh, letting my blood trace over my pale skin. I am marked, by you. Yours to command, living to serve you, and shall eliminate all who attempt to take you away. I shall rival all that had come before me, I challenge every single person that has tried to have you in your past, I shall be your future and you shall be mine. I desire no one else but you, My wandering samurai.

Like the wind, your words move through me. You're an inspiration, intriguing, and I hang on your every word. You seem to get me in ways that most people do not,and for that i thank you.  Like a breath of fresh air whisping into a cell with stagnant air, you bring new life, new feelings, and a new mindset. Your voice like a soft melody playing sweetly, softly putting the hardest thinker into a deep slumber. Like a well-oiled clock your mind moves its gears, timing, ticking right on que. Perfection, at it's finest.  You thoughts twining into mine, creating a masterpiece of art, beauty, and peace. Few others have been able to attain. Somehow, I feel that talking to you seems so right, that somehow everything that I have endured has been worth it. You're a perfect combination of harmony, and peace. That, I can thank you for. Tonight has been one of the best nights that I have had, and it is all thanks to you and your amazing personality. I can only imagine what your smile looks like in person. In my thoughts, I imagine you having a smile that can brighten the whole room, because even in the darkness of my room you made everything seem so much brighter. I must also confess, I have also wondered what your lips might feel like pressed against mine. Ooh no. have I crossed the line, my dear? Since I know that you are reading this, I have to make a reference to you, my amazing new found creature. Your compliments shower upon me making me feel beautiful, smart, intelligent, and like I should be yours. A helpless romantic you called yourself, but I see nothing but amazement. You are what I have wanted in one person for a long time... I just hope that I do not disappoint you, My new found amazing creature.

It's stranger than fiction
How you've decayed
It must be so lonely
Lost within your ways

You're born alone, you die alone
The rest is yours to fill the gap
The world goes on without you here
Adjust or just collapse

Is this what you wanted to be?
Alone standing by yourself?
Is this all you wanted to be?
Or was that a cry for help?
By yourself, by yourself, by yourself

Silence. Complete silence. This is what it has came to be, for me. At one time, I was so vivid, beautiful, and colorful, but all of that has left me. I simply work as a mechanical creature, making it through life, one day at a time. Why? Because I put everything on the line, only to have it spit back in my face. i'm fuckin' sick of it. Sick of always trying to please other people. Trying to always be sensitive to what the fuck they want, feel, or don't like. Well, god dammit what the fuck about me? I ask, and get shit in return. You ask, you get the goddamned world. But, I guess that's what we call double standards. 

Nothing will ever beat the feeling of Ice cold vodka sliding down your throat, warming you up and making you feel alive. This is how I choose to drown my problems, and I say it's very fitting. It lets me know that I'm here, still alive, still breathing and that I've lasted another month. You see, I've been unhappy for a long time, but because of how stubborn I am, because I thought that you'd change, see how miserable I was, want to be there with me, right beside me, I held on. In actuality, I should have probably walked away a lot sooner. Why? Because I feel free, alive, and just well, overall... content. Not that we didn't have our good times... But as soon as I moved, you changed. But, I was there, waiting every night to see if you'd come over, hoping, wanting, waiting. But, I always knew that answer would be that you'd never come. By december, I was contemplating offing myself, because you were my only outlet, and you had even left me. By January, I decided not to care, and by February, I decided that I should have to do the right to do what I want. Why? Becuase you barely saw me anyways. Shouldn't matter what I do.

Boom. that's where it all fell apart. I change, you don't like it, you leave. in a small way, I felt a little victorious, because I didn't call it quits, you did.

So, here I sit.. About to embark on the journey of a lifetime, and probably, never to return.. I can't say that I'm a little uneasy, but overall.. Happy.

Every person has a past, it's what we have to prove that we are who we are. Some had it pretty damned easy, and others had it pretty tough. I'd like to consider myself right there in the middle. There's a lot of good memories, but there's a lot of bad ones that come with the good. I can't say there's a lot of my life that I particularly enjoy when I was in high school, but it's made me who I am today.

Each time I got pushed down by something, I always came right back.. but there was always that scratch, or deep cut.. both of which, always left a scar. Each one of those was always suppose to be a memory, a lesson if you will. Something to remind me not to do the same thing again, because last time it hurt like a mother fucker. I know everyone has them, whether they be on the body or in the mind.. They're always there. they are always that constant reminder of what you ahve endured so far in your life. Sometimes, they don't heal too well, and sometimes they stay fresh for a while longer and during that time, the worst things in the world always seem to happen. It's all about survival. How much  you can REALLY put yourself through, the pain and anguish.. Can you really take it all? Can you turn around and just not give a fuck anymore? i can honestly say that i thought i was at that point.. but, I didn't listen.. I didn't learn from that scar, so it got ripped open. Over, and over. and over. Now, where there was a light scratch, there's a gaping cataclysm that seems like it's taking forever to heal.. but every day, I feel stronger, and better.

Amazing, how you can look at where you were at your highest, then again at your lowest, and then to where you are now.. Then, you can judge how far up that mountain you need to climb. For me, I still have a ways to go, but I have those people there in my life that make all that pain that I have suffered in my past totally worth what i have in the present.

So, from my mistakes, my hardships, and my self taught lessons, I've learned not to run. I've learned to face those problems on, and be prepared to stand your ground. I've learned to take that lashing, take that negativity and turn it into something positive.. use what you have had to endure in that past, and use it to your advantage.. you've got those scars for a god-damned reason. Don't just get cut over and over again. Learn how to prevent it, stand up to it, and face it head on.

When you can manage to do that, Life seems to just be simply worth living again.

Awaken. Feel the light that has been drawn from your life for so long slowly start to pour over your body and slowly realize who and what you are. Shift from the norm, explore the possibilities that are lying beneath the lines in which the mainstream of society sees. Take the chance that has been given, though it does not seem to be a good idea. Let the thoughts, ideas, and desire take you, and let your possibilities run endlessly.

Let it go, one by one and let the thoughts form a different chapter slowly drift off into the back of mind, to remember them when only necessary and to no longer affect your life. Though always not easy, It's always a good idea to at least to make it a better place ... To give peace and comfort and acceptance... Relax and enjoy life, don't over think every single action and try to take a look at the bigger picture and calm yourself.

Put your emotions back into the cage, try and handle one thing at the time. Don't try to do anything anymore, Just do whatever feels natural..

And although this all sounds beautiful.. I'm still me.

The insecure, Dead inside, confused, and very jealous me. Thanks to a few men, a lot of bad memories, and a forever-bleeding heart.. I'll always be the same to myself. . And thoguh I will always try to make things better for the inside of my head... It will never make anything better. Must, find, new, outlet. Pain is starting to get too comforting, and writing sometimes is not an option.

Hope sits idly in the corner as the days go by... And I wonder, Did I ever do the right things in my life? Do things bother me too much now? Should I really just stop giving a fuck about whatever happens, happens? I know everyone else around me has long-since done that.. But thanks to Assholes in my life, No matter how I try to just let things be.. She will never just shut the fuck up like I want her to. No matter how many times I bind her, try to lose her, or banish her to the depths of my mind.. she's always there... and I can always hear her.. So what is left for me?

That's right. Everything negative that I have that has always ended every single fucking relationship that I have been in.. Emotions and my creepy-like ways.. And Because of that, I'm now leary to jump into anything.. But here I find myself again, at that point where I'm wondering if I should continue on my path or i I yet again need to disappear from the world to sort everything out in my head..But oh, he's got me.. and he's got me hooked. Bad. Worse than I even felt with the relationship that lasted me two years.. hah! That's great.

And although, I can see this as something I want, I need, and I will  always keep.. I hear that voice in the back of my head just shouting at me that 'THIS WILL NEVER FUCKING WORK. JUST GIVE THE FUCK UP, NO ONE WILL EVER MAKE YOU HAPPY. AND IF THEY DO, THEY'LL NEVER JUST WANT YOU AND ONLY YOU.' And at that small moment of weakness from time to time, I believe her.. Just like I always do. I always feel like the same thing after that.. shut off, clammed up, and scared to say anything or go in any steps further.. but I'm really trying this time! I'm trying to ignore everything that happened in my life that FUCKED me hard, and I'm trying to move forward, be accepting, and just overall try to be myself again.. And I know part of this is now just because of what I look like now.. and I know everyone keeps telling me that I look fine..

but I don't feel fine.. I never feel fine.. And I  try and try and try and try my best to hide ti to all my capabilities, but here I find myself.. drowning in alcohol sometimes, trying to make it through.. trying to be strong.. and I sometimes don't know if I can.. but I realize how big of a shoulder I have to everyone.. and I try to make the best of it for them. If they feel better in the end, then it was all worth the pain and agony that I myself had went through..

And here I sit, alone..in thought.. Wondering if I will ever find my right path.. if what I choose to do, is the right thing...

I'll just continue on, one  foot at a time.. one year into the next..rain or shine. Tears or smiles.. I'm here, drained of everything that made me me.. A shell of a faded memory.

'Fade out like a photograph
Just a memory to forget
You burn black like a cigarette
I’ll discard you when I’m done

You break down when you need the rest
What a selfish way to drown
Then lay down with the thief you met
And enjoy the pride you’ve won'

Close your eyes. Breathe in, Breathe out. Listen to the music, let the beat immerse you as you slowly start to move. Dance to your own beat, your own time, your own rhythym. Let your heart be the drums, but hold it close and don't let it run away. Find that place, that moment in which you know everything makes sense and hold onto it. Cherish it, with everything that you have, and hope that it never leaves you. Though, you know eventually it will. Prepare yourself for that moment, before it hits and you'll be ready. Then suddenly, it happens.. Breathing seems heavier, The beat has slown down.. And there's now tears to match that smile. Embrace the moments that you had, but let go of them and cast them to the wind. It's time to say good bye, and move to a better tomorrow.

No more emotions, no more hurt, no more pain. Become better, Be yourself again. Raw, data. Raw fucking data. Another pretty face, with a heart of ice. that's what you'll always be.

There's always going to be that one person that you'll care for, give your life for.. but it's never returned. Because of 'history' .. And although, it sucks to hear.. You know that it probably is for the best, because they're a great friend.. at times.. But you try and try to shake it, and it just doesn't want to go anywhere... So, you sit and wait, thinking maybe something will change... when you know it's never going to change anything..

But that's alright.. I'll always have the people that care, the people that want me for me.. and I'll try to make due since then.. I've learned from my mistakes of the past that there is not a chance in hell that I'll go back down that path of wanting someone that does not want me back. Partialle because of all the things it done to me mentally, and partially because I don't want to go through all that emotional pain again..

So, that's alright.. do what you want to do, and I'll be here.. Moving my life forward one step at a time.. waiting for you to fall, and realized that you just missed out on the best god-damned thing that you'd ever have in your life.