Am I the only one that has felt so positive until they hear one song.. that rips their soul out? Well, I found my song.. My song that pretty much ripped me apart, and made me realize me what I've always wanted.. But never had..

"Somebody oughta take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once do you think that they would lie
When they're holding you
Then you wonder why they haven't called
When they said they'd call you
You'll start to wonder
If you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think
You were born blind
From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Cuz no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now
I'm here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
When living ain't easy
You can stand up against me
And maybe rely on me
And cry on me, yeah"

This, Right here.. Is all I've ever wanted..i've always been the rock, the strong stand person for any of my friends.. And not that I mind, I just.. Really want someone there for me, to tell me it's going to be alright.. and to have my back through my worst, blackest moments.. i guess that's what friends are there for, right? Friends are suppose to always be there, through everything.. But I never burden them with anything, because I know that they can't handle much..

Tiem to shake myself off, pick myself up from the minor set back and try to make sense of myself.. And that I'll never find what I need, because that always changes... But It's good to dream, right?

Another sleepless night has left my mind to wander in its depths, thinking on everything once again.. As it always seems to do. I honestly wish that sometimes, the whispers would stop.. I wish for another night to sleep.. but those seem far and in between now.. Where did I go? Did I take another wrong path? I thought I chose right, but everything seems to keep falling apart around me. No matter how I try, nor what I do.. I just can't seem to keep it to-fuckin'-gether anymore. One moment, your perfectly fine and within a blink of an eye you're in another mood, your mind wandering one way and your heart another. I keep trying to remind myself that everything that I'm feeling is just an emotion, and that I can overcome this-- Just as I did before.. But, i just can't. I keep trying to be this strong, confident woman but everytime I try, pain shoots through me as if I was beaten relentlessly, then left to starve and decay. Each day, crawling a little further. Losing srength, but gaining ground.. That's the way it's suppose to work, right? Give a little to learn a little new?

And for those of you who think you have restless nights.. Let me tell you; Nothing beats mine. Nothing beats closing your eyes in pitch darkness and being able to hear your heart beat, every.single.time. Nor, does it beat hearing everything happening in your home. Whether it be the creak in the wood, or a bathroom door opening as soft as it can. I hear it all. Then, That little ring you get in your ear every once in a while.. That usually comes along with. At this point, I'm usually laying there for a good twnety minutes before I can open my eyes again, to the darkness of my room. Sometimes, I hope that I drifted off into dream land, but my cat usually can tell when I'm starting to do this because she'll jump ontop of me and kiss my cheek as if to let me know It's alright. What I would without her, I'm not really sure. I usually let my mind drift by this point, and think on everything.. Imagine every single possibility of an outcome that could happen within the next day that I know shall come soon. Sometimes i review the day and what I would have done differently. All of those usually end with some kind of death so I usually ten to not linger on those for too long. And every once in a while, almost completely out of no where.. I can hear them. The whisper of the wind, the song of the trees, and the dance of the ground beneath me. All of which, Moving in harmony so peaceful. 

Peaceful? I thought that was why I marked my body with my new tatoo. For peace within ones self. Now, I've gotta admitt that I have not in any way, shape, form, or fashion managed to get this 100% perfected, but most of the time.. I'm great. But for some reason, Crying and laughing seem to have fused together, to where  I don't know whutthafuck to do anymore. I tend to do both, and I don't know what emotion to have priority, and I start getting confused.. Then it sets in, and god DAMN does it set in hard. Reality. The cold, harsh, bitter truth of all that I have really done, and what I really look like. And let me tell you, those fucking demons don't play nice. One moment you can be fine, and confident about your looks, and next BOOM. you're a fucking hideous freak. (as of which I now know myself, because there is not a chance in HELL that I think I'm as attractive as I was a few years ago) -- And you start making these goals that you're going to try to meet.. and as soon as you start fuckin' those up, DAMN you're relentless to yourself. I've gotta admitt, i thought my path was going to be easy, but boy was I fuckin' wrong. I've made some promises that I can't break, so I have to keep trekkin' forward...

"Changes come. Keep your dignity. Take the high road, Take it like a man. Momma said life awaits, like a kidney stone. It's just a broken heart this pain will pass away"

No matter how many times I listen to that song, It always gives me chills.. and I know it's so fuckin' true. I know that Change will always come, and I'll always need to keep up my guard.. I need to not love so quickly, and I need to learn to let go. What will help me learn this? I don't know. I do know the burning sensation I have in my back is my reminder that I need to bring peace to my life, and I need to find some sort of serenity wherever it may be. I need to learn to go slow, take my time, and make sure I can get everything right. I'm going to find that balance again.. and i'm going to try.. I know that I make mistakes, but god dammit.. i deserve to be happy, don't I?

Or, at least I thought I did...

Have you ever had the chance to just sit down, by yourself and just look back on your life to see where you are and where you came from? Have you ever looked back on the many things that you have done in your life, and wonder what you should have done different and if you had; what would you be like? Love? Jobs? Every once in a while, I do.. and I wonder: What would I have been like if I never did some of the stupid things that made me who I am today? What if's... those are the best. They always let you know your brain is there.. They let you wander off into a dream world, and then you can let your imagination run wild.. And then you have the chance to remember--- For some things, it's never too late.. And then others, you remember that your chance has came and went and is nothing but a whisper into the wind. I've thought long and hard about where my life is now, and what it should have been. I've only recently became so aware of my surroundings.. As if my soul has given me a chance to look at things at a different perspective and see that I am capable of doing anything.. I am a unique being with capabilities that I'm happy to say surpass a lot of the people I know. I am glad to know that there shall be no one exactly like me, because I am always changing, always flowing, to my own design.

Unfortunately, along with this realization.. I've awoken parts of me that have not seen the light of day for many years now.. While some thoughts are soft and serene others wage war on each other trying to throw me into a complete chaos in which I don't think I could survive.  Many old Demons that lurk into the depths of my mindscape have found their way through the labryinth to say hello once more, and though I know I'm stronger than I was when I myself created these atrocious beings, I know that I'm not strong enough to get rid of them.. So I live, day in and day out wondering if they are going to appear for a short amount of time, or if they are going to stay around. Though, I know the answer is always going to be for them to invade my precious thoughts while I dream.. to manipulate and torture my soft, caring being to turn on itself like a caged animal. It seems no matter how many times I keep admitting this to myself, I always wake up the same way, every single night. Drenched in sweat, paranoid, hearing the voices, and wondering if I'm alive or dead. Sometimes, my dreams I can't remember, and other times it feels like it truly happened.. and then it sets in on what they're doing.. trying to manipulate my thoughts to which they can come out on top and submit me to their will.

For now, I've learned to live with them.. To make a deal with ones own demons as a sign of just wanting to live on, through the tough times.. And through this, I can find that little bit of peace within my chaos .. and find balance, once again.. I'm not quite there yet, but I know eventually I'll be there. Sometimes, I imagine it just having a different feel to the wind, and other times I feel it would mean me to be alone - left to my own demise for a while. That would be nice, but not strong enough to even attempt to try that as of yet. The last time I was foolish enough to fall for that i ended up with scars that will never heal and quite a lot of paranoia. --- But I accomplished my own war drum.. now, able to flow and dance to my own song- create, live, tell, and respect. I will always be stronger than anyone expected, I am my greatest enemy, and my truest friend.  I am a human being.

Perception - the act or faculty of apprehending by means of the senses or of the mind; cognition; understanding.

As I re-read these words over, and over.. I think the more it describes me. I am such a strange individual. Strong, yet insecure.. Brave, yet weak. Loving, yet I leave such a bitter taste.. Why in Honest opinion do people find me to be an amazing individual? I'm in no way a great person to be shown such compassion.. All I do ends up harming people in the end.. And once I do, it's like a domino affect coming into play. Oh, How sometimes I try to cover it up, act as if everything is fine in my little world.. How I try to take life by the reigns and act like I OWN everything.. And such a beautiful feeling it is, having the very essence of life wrapped around my finger, holding it tightly, as if it was my own personal slave, bowing to my feet.. Kissing the very ground in which I walk upon.. It always comes to an end.. there is always those moments when you push something too far, too fast.. and all hell breaks loose. 

The chaos in which my mind reigns is nothing to be talked down upon. I do know that I have my own personal issues, my own insecurities, and although I try to convince myself that I have them under lock and key, and sure enough.. At that point.. things start to unwind.. to bend, to twist, to manipulate, and evolve to something else, and I am no longer in control.. My grip starts fading, and I run. Oh how fast I run to flee this moment from being at the brink of my own destruction inside myself.. How I desire to stay as far away from that path as I possibly can.. but it always looms in the back of my mind, and I know there will be a day in which I WILL have to venture down that path to reach whom I really am, and to finally put all that consumes my mind to rest.. But I will be very different, oh so very different.

Although; I do understand that I have these faults, I try my best to hide them, to fit into this world so that I will appear about as sane as everyone else.. yet.. I am illuminated, looked up to, and idolized. I see a hard time seeing what is so very special about me.. I am just as fucked as everyone else in this world, if not more so. I have finally figured out that all I do is hurt anyone that even attempts to love me, and in the process.. I've lost some quite dear to me.. and though I thank them for their memories, the fun and bad times that we have had, I have to thank them for leaving me.. for letting me see error in my ways with both eyes unclouded.. and clear. To see that my life has been marked with their presences.. and that fissure within me will never be filled again.. Although, I could sew this gap within me back together, and leave myself with a tainted conscience.. I'd rather not. This is my burden, and mine alone.. I have done this to myself, and I trust that I will live and learn from it. 

From the shadows, I come.. For within the shadows, you can temporarily hide your pain, and all emotions. From this beautiful resting place, you can find peace like the dead may find in a graveyard. My soul, is tainted.. and always changing.. but I will never change whom I am as an individual.. I can only, pull myself emotionally from the world in hopes of never harming another human being again. Friends, Yes.. I welcome you with arms wide, but any thing within my mind will not be allotted to you. There is only few that I trust with the thoughts that have plagued my mind over the years. And those will be the lucky few whom will remain close to me within these darkened days. I shield myself now, with video games, work, studying, keeping my mind busy so that I may once again put it under lock and key and put my emotions back into their Chrysalis away from prying, leeching, influential people. Do not think that because I hide in shadows I am weak, for my fury has no bounds. I banish myself from the prying eyes of the world.. only to be brought out under invitation.. but not the same person, for a while.

WHAT THE HELL IS UP PEOPLE?!

Taht is, If any of you people check this bloody Xanga anymore.

Comment. If I know people read it, I'll tell ya what's going on in my life.

Kiss me again, my darling.. kiss me like you love me, kiss me like you never want to let go.. because, I never want to let go of you. You make me smile. You make me laugh, you complete me, my love. I'm happy I have found you again, I'm happy i'm with you again.. without you, my life was a wreck.

I'm addicted to you, like heroine. I could not live without you once I did the frst try. After that, I knew I was in love with you, and I knew I could hold you forever. Now, the only thing is, will you love me as I do you? I think you will.

Fate had brought us together, and fate makes you always come back to me, I know I can never lose you, not now..
I love you, my darling.

----------------

As you can tell, things are beyond perfect again in Char land. I'm back with Kevin, the love of my life it seems.. There's been a lot of stuff happening, and Ive hurt a lot of people. I can't ask forgiveness from them, I can only hope they hate me now for how I've treated them. I have no excuses for me anymore. I can make none no more. What has happened, happened, and there is no stopping it.

my true friends have surfaced, and I'm glad to have them with me. My true friends will never leave me, though I think I've lost one for how I've treated him.. I can only hope I did not make him hate me, but I know he did.

Things are going up hill slowly again, I knew I could turn things around in due time. I'll be there for some of my close friends as they need me now, and I'll never let them think that I hate them.. I charish them, I have found the value of friendships, and I know whom my true friends are. I love each and every fucking one of you. even if we barely talk now, I still fuck love your ass. you were there for me, so i open my heart to you, I will be here if you need me.

-----------------

He is my king I shall obey his orders. He is my love, and holds my heart dear. I shall do nothing to hurt him, or to lose him, for without him, I do think life will be terribly hard. My king, my love, my soulmate. Forever, I hope to the gods to be your one, your only.

As I awaken each day, I wonder if this shall be the day in which I finally figure everything out in my mind.. With each problem, my blood so warm,a nd thick runs cold and tainted. Tainted by the reality of everything finally sinking in. No longer am I in dreamworld, but infact in reality. So much flows through me, and my voices, personalities torment me within. I have no real meaning of what I am or what I shall become. I let fate now run my life, but if you ask me.. fate is doing a piss poor fucking job at running it. So much for that idea, I let everything come to me, as it should, me not pulling too far, or too hard for antyhing, and It always seems to lead to another problem.

I now say my goodbyes to love. I say goodbye to everything keen in the world that I had once held dear. It seems as if now, all I cause is trouble and pain. I long to be forgotten by the souls that hold me closest. I wish to nolonger be there for people when they desire, I seem to always hurt them the most.

Stillness, darkness. My blood runs cold, my eyes close yet again. Is it time to forget it all, drug myself to the point in which I cannot define reality? Is it time for me to let go of all of my morals, all of my thoughts, no matter how true they may be and try to be free again? Is it time for me to let go of my soul, let it be condemned by Hells creatures alike? I fadeaway, yet again. Soft words can be hummed through my ears. I don't know if it is I or my friends that have came back for another visit. It's going to probably be a sleepless night with them here, in my head. It always is. They love to torture me, remind me of everything I have done wrong, drive me to the point of breaking, drive me to the point of crying. My soul, tortured.. my heart, black as night. I'll never feel any type of pure true love. Everything has a flaw, no one seems to make me happy.

Switched again. I'm never the same personality anymore. Maybe I should start taking medication. Maybe I should start trying to even things out. Maybe I should return to the astral world, and end it all. In my sleep, yes.. that's the way to go.. But not yet, It's way too early. I have a couple more years before its all suppose to go away.; All the personalities, all the hardships.. All of it to be whisked away, but not yet.. I need it, I somehow feed on it all.. hoping for the best to come out of everything, though.. that's always a joke. Nothing ever becomes right.

Sweat pours from my head, I feel like a whore. Don't know why yet. Maybe I'm tainted.. Maybe I am destined to do something bad soon. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. Its hot in here again. Its always hot in this room. The fan is so far away.. I don't really feel like getting up to turn it on. Palms are sweaty. Maybe that's another sign. Maybe it all plays apart in someway. Arms are growing tired. maybe I need to sleep, or try to at least. Maybe I can block them out tonight, maybe.. I can go back to normal.


Funny thing, Real life is... Funny thing, The pain it brings.. I feel sick to my stomach. I have done wrong. I know it in my heart, and in my soul.. I just don't know how yet.. I'll find out how.. I always do.

My gut now tells me that I have indeed messed up..

have I really messed things up between us, my dear friends?

I'm sorry for the things I have done to you, but now, You know my words, So do not forgive me. Do not forget me. Do not regret what we have had.

I miss you terribly. But I don't want to hurt you more than I have already hurt you.

My world seems to teeter totter on a balance beam, and I have fallen quite a lot, for I have bad balance.

Nothing else to say.. except I'm scared.. and have no where left to turn..

Three know me well, two that care.. What should I do.. where should I go...

May the gods shine the light in my favor, one day..

curse you, my love goddess for hurting me so like this..

Mortality.. something I wish to regret every single day..

A new day hath risen, a new problem appears.. More, and more, I wish to end the suffering of thine heart, in some way or another.. Though, I try to forget you, my dearest love.. it seems I have, indeed grown way too attached to you, as it may be. My heart shall always flutter, beat, and welcome you, though.. I could only wish you would do the same for I.. To store my heart for you, To wait.. wonder, and soon be hurt when I fall from the heavens and crash into reality, breaking me in half as if I was a simple twig, making me unable to breathe, or move.. and soon, pass out from utter pain..

Though, I am, indeed the Charred Angel.. one that has been scorched by hells fire, no longer fit to wander through heavens gates due to I have damned my own soul to hell, for eternity..Pain, suffering.. Seems like I'm already there in some way or another.. No more, does fire hurt me.. No more do I move back from pain of heat.. Is this a sign? Have I become one with my personalities? Have I changed yet again? I fearest not, for this could be my last blow, my last go around, with reality..

I'm insecure as all could be, Always afraid of being alone, never wanting to be alone.. I fear what people think, and often, I hate my looks more than anything in the world.. I hate being me at sometimes, that I know there are more girls out there better looking than I, better at everything and could give so much more than I.. Jealousy, follows this more than anything.. and I often come to conclusions that I do not want to think or talk of.. I don't have any reason to be jealous, though I am... I know there are girls out there that could make boys feel so much happier than when they are with me.. Or when they are jerkish to me.. I wonder, do they truly care about I, or is this another bad ending awaiting for me.. I wish I was bolder..


The years go by.. and I have still to find anything to make me change my ways.. anything to make me happy for more than a minute anymore.. He was my spark, I believe.. I was happiest with him, though.. I am Happy now, it always ends.. And it ends fast usually.. If only I knew if a guy was truly happy with actually me.. and was not always thinking 'what if' and coming up with conclusions.. if your not ready for what I am, and have to offer.. tell me.. don't lead me to pain and suffering, I fear that could be the last of my kind hearted soul all together if I endured one more pain of deceit from any man.. or being..

Time to dream away.. and ponder if I could truly move across my soul again.. Cleanse, purify.. Forget my pains of reality for a while, until I'm awoken again..

So, I'm back again, for yet another round on this merry-go-round of life.. This time, I'm on it by myself, with no one to follow, no one to catch me when I hit the ground from falling over my feet as I climb off the dizzy-dizzy-round-and-round cycle. Sorta fucked up, but I could care less anymore.

You say you want me, you say you miss me.. but then again.. You LOVE to hurt me. Toying, hurting,making me feel like shame.. all at the same time of telling me, leading me, making me fall for you all over again--No. I don't want that... I don't want it anymore. I fucking loved you and you ripped me apart... And God--Wait, he has nothing to do with this, but .. You fucking shredded me.. worse than any.. My longest relationship.. hit the fan, slammed to the ground, trampled on.. and then I was told I was not loved.. How is that to affect my body? my mind? my heart?  My spirit is broken from you, and yet... I still talk to you.. I still love you.. But alas, none of it matters anymore.. nothing matters.

Dream- A peaceful thing, one of where you can do what you want and not have to worry about anything, or how it would really affect you in your daily life. Giving you a little piece of Serenity---or Nirvana, whichever you'd like to have. Though, at times.. These peaceful thoughts can go on and on, warping your mind with reality, to where they themselves and your reality become one, and both help you live a living nightmare. Not fun.. Though, you can never escape not dreaming. Your body will always dream, eventhough, you do not remember it. Each dream you have during your night, slips you away, further and futher into your mind, until you are at the ultimate plane..the plane in which your spirit can dismiss your body, and become one with the universe-- I believe that's the way I want to die.. to just slip away, out of my body..and to never return.. Hey, its not a bad idea.. Not at all..

I'm quite tired, due to being woken up so early, when I went to bed so late. I talked to Roth on the phone last night for a couple of minutes, but that didn't seem to help me any, if anything.. just made me feel like shit worse. Don't know why.. It just did.. I've been weird lately.. I haven't been myself, maybe a different personality of me is forming? One that has actual feelings for others? One that thrives on human will, and human needs? Not sure if I like it yet.. I tended to like  my apathetic, unloveable othersides.. Or, I viewed them as unloveable due to NO ONE CAN FUCKING STAND ME, it seems. *Sigh* maybe its just I truly am a psychobitch that NO one wants to really deal with, and maybe I'm just too negative, and well, That would explain a lot... and I hate when people try to make me deny the truth, but god damn it..If I want the fucking truth, give it to me. Don't make me get led on and then crash, fall, and be beaten by my own spirit for being a fucking idiot..

*sigh*
I'll finish this later.. right now, I'm going somewhere with my mom.

Alright, so I started this at like.. 10AM on Saturday, its now 1:16 AM on Sunday morning. Wow, I suck at finishing things.. I don't even think I remember what I was talking about.. Heh.. Not that It'd really matter right now anyways..

Well, How are you lovely people that read my xanga? I miss you all, indeed. I cannot wait for school to start. SENIOR YEAR, HELL YEAH!!! Then, I'm off to Eastfield for a couple years, then to UTD/A&M/Austin Not sure where yet.. I'm becoming a Chemist. Hands down. (:

I don't know what it is about me, but I am a magnet for Religious nuts. I don't know why..maybe my negative aurora gets too strong at times, or they feel a dark, powerful presence, and want to bring me back to the light.. in which, I do NOTHING for their god, or the god of the underworld. I am ruled by myself, and myself alone. I am my own god. So do not attempt to make me worship anyone else. though, being my own god means I need confidence, in which, I lack at times.. well, at a lot of times.

Damn this is one of my choppiest, longest entries I have written in a while.. but I like it.. my mind is working, reacting, feeding, living, and wanting more and more information..Stuff in which it can Harness, hold, charish and keep.. Not knowing how well thats going to work.. but, we'll see.

Since no one really reads this anymore, I have the balls to put all ym problems on here, and not worry about being judged for them.. Well, my problem is, I like two, but one that I like, is leaving, the other.. I know isn't using me, but then again, I know he really doesn't want to put a label on us.. I guess that makes sense, but I don't really like this whole being alone factor, and I don't want to push anything, nothing, nothing at all.. *sigh*

I leave you with these words:
"
Gently, my mind escapes into the relaxing
world of pleasure, a pleasure that'll take
my mind off the reality of my life,
my past life... life as I know it now.

And whatever may come, it slowly
disappears to somewhere in the back
of my mind. It will remain there,
until I wish to retrieve it.

Yes, I will stay here for a while,
for I need the break. A break from the
pressures of life, and everything
that lays in the palm of life's hands.

This mode is incredible. It's out of
this world. Too bad I must always leave it...
... but that's life. "

Too much to see, to die too soon, I guess...

Not done writing. I changed my mind. still thinking, still pondering, still open.

Was thinking the other day, talking to Roth about how I used to be, how I used to dwell in the unknown, and now, how I have two demons at my side, one good, neutral, the other one reaping into my dreams.. I wondered... what would happen,  Would anyone notice if I let him take over for a while? Would I become a home wrecker/ would I hurt all that I love, including my beloved family? hm. Not sure if I would call them demons, but that's what I learned to call them overtime.

Singing to slipknot right now, pondering what I can say..

"What if I never saw you again? I'd die right next to you in the end.. That place in my mind.. Its that space that you call mine.. That place in my mind, It's that space that you call mine. I won't let you walk away... Without hearing what I have to say. .. without hearing what I have to say.. without hearing what I have to say.. " - Have you ever felt like that, at all? Just, to Abandon ALL HOPE? To let go of eveerything you charished, and just give it all away, but not before you let lose, ravage on the ones that hurt you so badly, to let them know your done.. for good, to let them know you're stronger now, and that you want to let them go... that you can't help what your becoming.. You don't want to let them go, but sometimes, that's the best thing you can do.. is to let them go.. and get away for a while, slip away for a while, let go, meditate..

Meditate.. that's something I haven't done in ages.. would I be able to? Would I be able to speak to my friends still? would I be able to contact the dead with my energy? or has that all but faded me in the years? Have I become weak, powerless, useless? I want to try, one last time.. not caring how much it drains me.. just to do it, to feel a complete sense of Happiness, completion, and having nothing go wrong whatsoever.. to not think of my problems, my freinds problems, financial problems, my sister, everything.. to just let go, and wander the plains again, get lost in my own thoughts, in my own plane of happiness yet again.. I think I'll try.. just one last time.. if it drains me, then I'll stop for good,a nd if it doesn't then, who knows? I might be a follower of the Forsaken gods, the underworld gods.. the old, damned angels that would ravish, and take me as their own, as yet another lost soul in damnation, as a christain would call it..


"To close my eyes, yet again, and hear the wind whistle through my hair, and ponder 'where hither I go?' as I sigh, letting the wind whistle around me, flowing softly, wrapping around my body, making me one with it, yet again. slowly, mu consciousness leaves me, forgetting all my problems, forgetting who I am, and what I have done, forgetting my past, and not worrying about the future, to just know I am here, now, in this very moment of time. I feed off the energy I get around me, making me strong again, as I know my body is probably getting weak from this, I enjoy it.. feeling absolutely free, before he comes again.. that forsaken soul that screeches into my ear, giving me a forwarning to not forget who I am, to not forget my purpose, or who I am, and to not wander further, or I shall never return, suddenly, everything comes back, and my breathing gets hard, I'm slammed back and it feels like I'm hit with a bat. I start to cough, and a trickle of blood leaves my nose, letting me know that its time I give up, adn to not try it again.. I'm weak, and can no longer do anything, nor fight those whom I use to.."