So soon, I've come to meet myself in the past. So soon, Have I come to realize pain. So soon, Do I not know what to do. My dreams come in small numbers,But in those small numbers, They surely cause pain. My dreams come to haunt me,of how I used to be,compared to how I am now...I'm not sure I know what to do.I don't know what to do. What am I thinking? Do I know what I am doing? Where will I go in life? What will I do in life? Is there a purpose for me? Am I going to die alone? Will my world be torn apart so I can gaze upon the sky, screaming out in disorientation of what I have done wrong, why am I the one to be punished? Will I be the one crying, hurting, and being in never ending pain? Will I be the one that others look down upon in the streets whilst they calmly pass by, whilst I am weeping, having no recignition by anyone, no comfort at all?
Will I be the fool? Will I be forgotten by all, which would lead to death?
Do my dreams tell me my past, future, and present? does it tell me that I will be the one that is always insecure, not fully trusting, but willing to give my heart out to anyone who wants to try and make me whole? Will I ever marry this person that I long to be with every dieing day, This person that I love so deeply, that it pains me at times to worry for his safety. Do I even know if he does, indeed.. Love me back? Do I even know that he feels the same way about it.. Is he holding back because of the circumstances? will he stay with me? Will he want to be with me every moment, Not caring, after my age increases? I have no idea..
I have no idea.. Ich Weiß nicht.. Ich Weiß nicht..
Maybe I should sleep more.. and not push myself to so extreme limits. Maybe I should walk more.. It seems to be better for me.. I've found myself to be a survivor of pain and suffering, a survivor of everything that I think shall harm me.. I am the true enigma of a centry, showing no vital signs, and hiding the truth from everyone. With my confusing, contradicting ways, I am alone.. and never to be opened from my cursed plane of Happiness, and Despair..Which in my mind, are now entwined as one.. The objects of my creation, which make me have pleasure on other peoples pain, because their suffering is like the one I have writing in my conscience every day.
Am I truely the version of sane? or Insane?
February 14, 2007
Happy Valentines Day guys,
Eventhough, Mine has been bad. Ah well. Life goes on.
I got to talk to Kevin today, that made me happy. I got to see all my wonderful friends, that made me happy too. I could really care less how this day ends, I just want it to end. I'm so incredibly tired, its unreal. I can't wait until I am able to sleep in this weekend.
My schedule seems to be pretty blank for a while. Everything is over with, I think. Me and Kevin will be 7 months on Saturday. That's amazing.. He means the world to me. Sometimes, I wonder if I mean the world to him, then I figure, I probably do. He has not cheated on me, and he has said 'I love you' and mean it.
I just suddenly got a really bad headache. Heheh. I duno why.
I got bored on last Thursday, And braided my hair. The results were weird. This is the results:
Wild, Isn't it? Hahah, I thought it was great.
Hm, My artistic talent seems to be failing me. No longer can I make such unique drawings, never two alike in the world. To where my ability went, I have no idea. To this thought, my poetry is also sent its due letters of retireing for a tad bit. Where my talents have gone, I have no idea.. When they return, who knows? They come and go. You cannot force a poem to come out of you, just like a drawing is not to be forced, but to be felt, embraced and then let go.
Such spiritual thoughs I have as late. Where does this all come from?
Anyways, one by one. ... my friends are begenning to drop. Who will survive my picking? I have learned to only hate those who I cannot learn to get along with, Those whom I judge so early, I can never forgive--Is this a gift, or is it my downfall of my complex system of networking that I have strived to set up to defend myself. I don't know. Sometimes, I think I am smart.. Other times, I feel like an idiot, like I have just made a fool of myself, which, more than likely.. Is true most of the time.
My eyes are begenning to bother me. I feel weary. I think I may retire early, and get more then 4/5 hours of sleep. I have tests tomorrow. Yay for me.
Also: Anyone that knows any place hiring, and it is within distance to me, let me know. I really need to find a job.
Anyways,
Goodnight. -L4dyxD347h
February 7, 2007
I ate German food for both my Mexican and my Addie. If I had money, I would have brought it home for you guys.
I love you both.
A lot of you [Well, Addie and vero, and Maybe some others] were wondering what I looked like on Military ball.. heh, Welll, I will show you. =D
Me and Kevin at Military ball:
Me and Crystal
The group.
I looked horrid, but it was alright. I felt a little pretty. Eventhough, I'm quite the whitest person. =
February 5, 2007
Ich liebe ihn so musse.
He is just simply amazing. <3 And I couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend.
January 30, 2007
This week just is not going right.
1) Third period Orchestra is not going to UIL. Anyone in Honors who decides to read this, shut the FUCK up, because I will stab you in the fucking eye right about now if you give me any shit about it.
2) The current situations that have been getting on in the last few weeks are getting unbearable. I don't really appreciate being called an idiot, or my friends being called stupid.
3) I still haven't gotten my spike Bracelet back from David True. That is never going to happen, though,
4) I'm not going to be getting my license until I am 18. This sucks mainly because I will not be driving my Senior year, which means, I have no fucking way home.
5) My friends are also having a bad week because of everything in their lives, which irritates mine as well.
6) People keep asking me what is my deal with girls. I just don't like them. Once you turn on me, I cannot stand to look at you. That's how much you disgust me.
7) TEENAGE MOTHER FUCKING ENGAGEMENTS.
8) Orchestra Pt. II : The freshman in there. Plus some of the upperclassmen. this is NOT middleschool. STFU and sit down, or behave. These go out to the Freshman Violists, and Violinists, as well as an upperclassmen in the Violins. I cannot stand any of them anymore.
9) My platoon. I love them to death, but they play too fucking much.
10) People who think I'm an egotistic bitch. Fuck you. I am not. I am in reality. I am myself. I do not conform. I do not slut around. I shall not be silenced.
January 27, 2007
Hey guys,
Not really Much to say. Military ball is next weekend. I think its going to be fun. Kevins coming this year. ^-^ I'll be happy. Woot. I really hope he isn't going to wear Sneakers to that, but some actual nice shoes. I really want him to stay and such.. =
Whee, the last week has been stressful. Solo and Ensamble isn't that far away, and I need a good speed for my solo that I won't mess up on, but isn't too slow to do at the same time. I am scared of the score I will get on it.
inspection has been moving full paced towards us, too. I think we are going to probably lose the gold star this year, too.. Oh well. We will get it back next year .. maybe..
/sighs
I've been so tired. I think from Weird hours of sleep, and not relaxing. Like, its really been getting to me and such. lol.. I think I might go back to bed.
Whee, will continue to keep you guys updated. Anyways, Night!.
-Char
January 19, 2007
Ping.
HAHA! YOU GET NOTHING!
PICTURE TIME!
Is it pretty? or ugly?Am I insecure?
January 13, 2007
'Like it or not'
You can call me a sinner
and you can call me a saint
Celebrate me for who I am
Dislike me for what I ain’t
Put me up on a pedestal
Or drag me down in the dirt
Sticks and stones will break my bones
But your names will never hurt
I’ll be the garden, you’ll be the snake
All of my fruit is yours to take
Better the devil that you know
Your love for me will grow
Because
This is who I am
You can like it or not
You can love me or leave me
Cause I’m never gonna stop, no no
Cleopatra had her way
Mata Hari too
Whether they were good or bad
Is strictly up to you
Life is a paradox
And it doesn’t make much sense
You can't have the femme without the fatale
Please don’t take offense
Don’t let the fruit rot under the vine
Fill up your cup and let’s drink the wine
Better the devil that you know
Your love for me will grow
Because
This is who I am
You can like it or not
You can love me or leave me
Cause I’m never gonna stop,
no no, you know
This is who I am
You can like it or not
You can love me or leave me
Cause I’m never gonna stop,
no no, you know
No no, you know
No no, you know
No no, you know
No no, you know
I’ll be the garden, you’ll be the snake
All of my fruit is yours to take
Better the devil that you know
Your love for me will grow
Because
This is who I am
You can like it or not
You can love me or leave me
Cause I’m never gonna stop, no no, you know
This is who I am
You can like it or not
You can love me or leave me
Cause I’m never gonna stop, no no, you know
No no, you know
No no, you know
No no, you know
No no, you know
Anyways,
Hehe, Alright. I figured I should updated since no one really has heard anything from me as of late.
Well, let's see. Next wednesday will be 6 months for me and Kevin. That'll be the longest relationship I have ever had. Seriously, it will be. lol. And I am glad to be with him, every waking moment I can. Even when I just talk to him online, or on the phone, I still smile at his voice. Wow, I love him so much.
Anyways, Military ball is coming up soon. I got my dress for it, and yes.. He has seen it. And he likes it. which makes me happy, also. I think you all like it.
Here's a pic of it:
Yeah, I know. Pretty bad picture, I know.. But what you can see, its a nice dress.. Right?
I think it is, anyways. =D
APATHY
1) absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2) Lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
3) Stocism. Freedom from emotion of any kind.
You might be
thinking to yourself right about now: Why is this huge? Why is it so
important? What does this have to do with the song. I'll tell you. Its
how I feel right now. If you make it to the bottom, then you shall know
why the HELL I feel this way. Reasons are to be explained. Those who
wish to take my advice, can.. The people that need to read this the
most have NO IDEA about this, and probably will NEVER read it. So, all
of this typing.. is FUTILE.. But I MUST get it out of my system. I am
TIRED of feeling like a psychopath. I am tired of feeling like a idiot
infront of them. I am tired of everything in human life.
NEXT TOPICCCC
*ahem, *
Lets see. Relationships. Yes. That's it. Relationships. Especially ones with my friends. Some people are now excluded from this, and I think you can tell if you are or not.
Anwyays. Here is my Rant:
Relationships. They rule, Yes, I know this. I know you all are happy that you have 'found' that 'someone' for a short period in your life.. If not, your life mate. But please. Seriously. Here are some things for you all to remember when you hang out with me, and your Boyfriend/Girlfriend is with you.
1) Don't fucking make out in cars at stop lights if you are driving. 2) Don't make out while I am trying to have a decent, smart conversation with you. 3) Don't get in the back seat of peoples cars and act like its your fucking bed. You fucking nasty ass people. 4) Don't be like 'OMFG. I LOVE HIM/HER SO MUCH. ' *Sex, sex, sex* after the first week.
These things are really starting to bug me, thus I stopped hanging out with people for a while. I really don't like relatonships like that, and yes.. YOU ALL HAVE CHANGED. SEVERELY.
I think you all really know I don't like relationships that are really lovey dovey in public. I mean, a kiss every once in a while, just like a peck.. is alright. holding hands is alright. But straddling your 'soul mate partner' in the back seat of a car.. is just.. NO.
This makes me unhappy x 10.. Please refrain from doing it if you respect my wishes to NOT SEE YOU ACT LIKE A SKANK INFRONT OF ME.
CHANGE OF SUBJECT. NOW.
Ahem, Anyways. what was the next thing on my mind. Oh yes:
Cars. Yes, I know you all have cars, if you own them. But there is no fucking need to always brag about it. A car is something essentially to just GET YOU AROUND. Not something to be like 'My car is a LUXURY CAR, AND IT IS ELITE. ' No, its not. I really don't like the car anymore because YOUR TOO FUCKING OBSESSED WITH IT. This isn't just for them. Its for Riced out pieces of SHIT, too. with spoilers that DON'T FUCKING BELONG ON THERE. TAKE THAT SHIT OFF, AND DON'T SPEND THAT MONEY ON BULLSHIT LIKE THAT, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. I swear to god, I hate people right now.
If you have made it this far, then you now know what the hell has been bugging me. I hate change. the people that I love, or did love are now Changing. Friendship and relationships should NOT, and I repeat NOT be mixed together. Its VERY lethal, and all attempts at a stable friendship after the horrid all knowing break up, is FUTILE.
I don't know why you people bother. You all make me sick at times with your stupidness, shallowness, and quickness to change in Relationships. What happened to being yourself. What happened to changing for NO ONE, except when you KNOW they are the right person.
Oh well, I guess as long as you people are happy, and have no idea how much your friends actually HATE the shit you do, then it is fine.
Until next time,
Goodnight, all.
Much love. <3
January 8, 2007
Alright. So Yeah. Bored. Its early in the morning. Waiting to see if I can get a ride with someone.. Woot. I got one.
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