Have you ever had the feeling for someone that you would throw away everything for them? You would only care about just that one person.. Making sure they are happy, and making sure their day went well? Have you ever wanted that person so badly, that every time you talked to them.. It hurt.. It struck you in the heart.. and it struck deep. It struck a major wound, one that maybe.. just maybe, has been there long enough to remember? Just, over the years, it has gotten bigger from how people let you down, or say "I love you" and never really mean it, but in your mind.. you know this one person has to be telling the truth.. and your desperate just to reach out and hold them as your own.. but your too goddamned scared to even ask the simple questions "Are you mine still? or, are we just friends?" Your mind, toying with you.. letting you have false hopes of how you truly think in your head, that this one person truly does care about you.. That they truly love you.. But that scar has been reopened.. And you feel hurt.. they know you do, and they tell you this.. Its the last thing that they want to do-- Hurt you.. but they have.. and goddamn, does that hole bleed.. teh wound pulsating in every essence of pain.. Striking over and over again, in agony you cry out.. in agony .. you cry.. Thinking to yourself, "how could I be so blind? How could I hurt myself again? Has everyone been sent to just wither me down to a fine toothpick that knows nothing but pain, hatred, and sorrow? Why must it hurt so bad.. why can I just not be loved by him.. and him alone.." But alas, he cannot love you.. For he may leave..No, he WILL leave.. and be far, far away.. He does not want you to hurt.. he doesn't like seeing you hurt.. then again, everyday that passes that you are not with him, it hurts even more.. the fact that he will not be with you hurts.... and you begin to cry.. You act bold, and hide it at first, soon thinking deeper and deeper, and your eyes swarming with water, glazing your eyesight, every breath you take thereafter, impossible from choking on your sobs.. holding them in.. Trying to make them go away.. before you can't bear it.. its a mass overload.. and you let loose... Not caring who hears you, or what happens, you just let it out.. until you can't breath.. can't see.. can't think.. and faint...


Have you ever had that feeling? I believe I have..

"
Use me when you want to come

I've bled just to have your touch

When I'm in you I want to die



User friendly fucking dopestar obscene

Will you die when you're high

You'd never die just for me

She says,

"I'm not in love, but I'm gonna fuck you

'til somebody better comes along."



Use me like I was a whore

Relationships are such a bore

Deleted the ones that you've fucked



User friendly fucking dopestar obscene

Will you die when you're high

You'd never die just for me

She says,

"I'm not in love, but I'm gonna fuck you

'til somebody better comes along.""

Then, There, at that point in time.. I felt totally complete..

To have it all washed away an into a bliss due to my remarks of ignorace.

I guess you can only truly live and learn.. To live what you have done, to make a pathway...Then, to learn from your mistakes and what you have done.. To try and make things better.. to hope for a better ending next time.

I guess sometimes, things just aren't cut out..though, life is short.. it seems incredibly long.. I may have time, but it sometimes feels like I'd rather die than stand around waiting for life to pick up its end of the deal and carry some load.

Don't fret my friends, the ones that have so long been entangled in my voice of words, to help me in due time when henceforth I may need it.. I shall be here, I'll always be here.. For you, my dearest friends. To be there for you through the worst times of your life.. As a friend, as a sister.. As a loved one..

That's all I can truly offer and be happy with, I guess.. Friendship..

I try too hard to please people, I try my best to not let my emotions get to me, but I can't help it.. Hope gets strong.. and it just moves on.. But, glad I am.. that I may have a chance to stop myself in my wicked ways..

Please, not let me explain the hardships from which I write to you all about. That would indeed, be too much drama for you people.. and It is of course, My life.. so I must abide by my own wishes. Please, understand, my dear readers.. Its not that I don't trust you with my words, for most of you, I truly do trust. Its a matter of secrecy . I wish to keep it in my mind so I cannot, will not make a stir about all of this. It is, after all.. Not worth it..

Do not try to swoon me with thine sympathy, for it is clearly not needed. Thank you, my dear ones, but let me dry my own tears on my own willpower, for that's truly the only way I can learn.. to Derive the power within me, so I can fine peace.. happiness, solice, and maybe..just maybe, I'll learn what everyone means.. Love thyself.. Love.. that's the hardest thing to do, is love myself. when, I alone, hate myself. every fucking part of me. My looks, my ways, and even the way I do things. How can you love something you hate so much?

I am a disgrace, it seems. To you all. I've failed you, immensely. I've been the strongest for you all, yet I am the weakest of all of you combined. From which.. my power.. Its.. drained. No longer am I how I used to be.. I'm a changed woman, now.. I believe.

Do I still long to be happy? Yes.. But that, takes time.. Like everything else.

I beg of you, don't use me like I'm a whore.. Thine wishes are that of my own, but hither this as a word of judgement, I shall not make a fool of myself. I shall not act like a whore.

And with that all said and done, let me beckon you all no more, and bid you a farewell.

*Bows head and slowly walks away*

Let my sorrows be lifted, and let me not hate myself, and let me now henceforth be nicer, if possible..

If possible..

Well, I guess its time for an update. Lets get this all over with. Hahahh.

My relationship status is unknown. I dunno what to do anymore with Kevin, I'm still madly in love with him, But I and him both know its probably not going to work anymore. Well, at least right now. Him with a fear of constantly thinking he's going to hurt me, and me with a constant fear of I will never see him.. Not good bases for a Relationship. So, I told him all about Roth, it hurt him..But he understands.. I told him to still be there for me, as a best friend.. Because sometimes, he's the only one I feel safe talking to.

Anyways! Enough of that.

I've got a concert on Monday, and I would like people to attend that actually reads this, wait.. that's no one! Ha! Imagine that. -_-; Xanga has been left for Myspace, or just because they have better things to do now. Saddens me, really. I miss having people to comment.

I think Jordy and I are the only ones left that update on a regular basis anymore. It used to be Me, Addie, Jordy, Vero, and Codi... But now, not that many. =[ Ah well.

I've seen my best friend, Tiff. I am happy. She's been having some trouble, but I've helped her through it. I made her laugh her ass off with me, and as always.. she left something at my house. Kinda funny as hell. I wonder if I should pass a notebook between me and her, but then again, If I do.. I might lose her as a friend. that seems to be what happens all the time when I pass notebooks. I've already lost Samantha, the skank. Then, I'm fixing to lose Kathryn. Is it me? Or do people suck? Hah. Oh well. -_-;

We were all bored sitting at the park, and decided to leave so we Told katelyn to act like she was running from us, and start screaming, and then Daniel tackled her, then we all kicked her and acted like we were beating her up, then we ran to the SUV thing of Chases, and Daniel drags her, throws her against the car, pulls her around throws her in and yells SHUT UP IN THERE. Oh my god. The people were WTFING at us. I couldn't stop crying from laughter. Its been a while since I have had fun like that from the younger days of us being total jackasses. Hah. I love my friends. Seriously, I do.

I broke my instrument, but she is probably going to be repaired by the time of our concert. Which I am hoping she will be. : s Ahh!!! I'm so worried about her!!! Teacher said she will be fine, but I keep thinking something is going to go wrong!!! >_< I need to go get my belt, though. >.>; I'm going to probably hug my teacher when he fixes her. Agh. I can't believe I abused Hope so bad. I promise never to do it again.

But anyways, that's all I have to say right now. So.. I will talk to you all later.

Much love.
Leave comments if ya read it,

So, I decide to move on... then again, I can't. I've discussed it with
him, I don't want to be hurt again. I'm ready to try again, whenever he
is.

A lot may never agree with me, Go for the guy I have a
crush on, they say.. But only one thing can go at a time.. and that
sailboat is a no-go.

I always wanted to be with someone that I
could never stop thinking about, but it seems I've finally got my wish,
and I now no longer know what to do with it.

Make me a
promise, make me something to let me know you still want me.. I know
you do, when I tell you somethings, it seems to hurt you.. When I tell
you I want to move on, I know damn well I'm not ready to leave your
side.

Please, don't give me false hope. Please, don't lead me
down a path of where you never have time for me, nor do you ever really
try to see me.. Try please.. That's all I ask.. If we do, end up
together.

Only fate can tell what's going to happen, and only
fate can let me know that I'm still wanted by you, like I know I am..
But your afraid of hurting me, and what's really hurting me, is not
really being with you.. Not having you with me, like I always want.
Hell, even a hug, or to be held by you, is enough to make me happy for
weeks.. I don't want anything, No presents, nothing like that.. Just
you.

Want to make it up to me somehow, for how you think you have treated me badly, take me back, and make things right.

You can try, and try to hide how you feel..

But In the end, it seems nothing's better to do than let fate take over.
I feel like writing, But I don't know how to begin, or how to end it..

Meh, That's all I can.. It doesn't make sense at all.. Oh well, Taht's my bad writing..
I used to be a  great writer, now I can't... Things will change, soon, I'll have my fuel for writing back. Maybe.

*Looks through previous entries*

Looking back, I see nothing but heart ache. And that's about all I've done.. is hurt. I've tried to make things work, and it seems to do nothing but crash right back down in my face.. Making everything laugh at me, laugh at me, laugh at me. To hurt me in such a way that I really have never wanted to hurt.. To hurt in a way.. that I am embarrassed to the point of no longer wanting to go in public.. If that's even possible, I think it is for me now.

It sucks, when you try to make something perfect, but it seems the other wants nothing to do with you.. When all you want is a call to say "Hi, I love you, How was your day, and goodnight." Or, to surprisingly swing by your house and sweep you off of your feet for a dinner, or a movie.. all of which, was your choice.. Or, just a simple note left on your window sill, or doorstep, talking about how he misses you or something.. Or just, some simple flowers... or any kind of sign that he truly cares.. All of which, it seems I am not worth. Eight months, I've spent with him, and eight months, he seemed to care.. but not enough to tell me he loved me.. not enough to do anything for me.. except see me when HE wanted to.. when it was convenient for him to see me.. Or, when all of his friends had plans, or the shop was closed to where he could not go play his fucking games.

Why didn't I realise I was worthless to him before? I had hope.. I had dreams.. I was happy.. I was happy I was with someone for more than two months, I was happy I had someone.. but I could blantly see now that that someone not once seemed to care for me when I desperately needed it the most. When I needed reassurance, or when I was scared.. Not once was he there to hold me to tell me things will be alright, or to kiss me lightly, to let me know that he was there, and he would never want to leave me.. I guess i'm never important enough for any man to care for more than a fuck..

Does that make me a whore? I guess, I don't know. I have set morals too high, then I drop them way low.. I might as well just hide in my room for now on.. It seems I'm safe here.. no one could harm me in the ways I am hurt.. No one can try to make things better, and in the end, just make me hurt worse.. I can learn from my mistakes, I can heal.. I can do this, I can do this all on my own.. I don't need anyone, I don't need anything.. Just reassure me at some tiems.. That's all I need.

I can't find anymore words to show how I feel now, Just.. I am insecure.. once again, though, I have always been insecure..Everything lately has made it worse.. heh.. Because once I am over one guy... I seem to always find another to crush on.. But this time, I'm not forcing myself.. I'm not going to be desperate.. I'm not going to be an idiot.. It all depends on time, I guess.. and If he actually likes me.. One can say one thing, and mean another.. I have learned.. So.. I'm not one to to let people get to me anymore.. I mean, He's cute.. and Is like I expected him to be, but.. I don't know.. time will tell.. If he calls me, then It would be nice, to talk to him daily, would be nice.. I have his shirt.. XD. heh. *sigh*

I'm going out.. =

I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you..

I breathe you, I taste you, I can be without you..







but in the end, I'll always be alone.

FUCK THIS,


I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE.
I CAN'T TAKE BEING ME ANY LONGER

FUCKYOU, CHARLEEN.
FUCK YOU, PERSONALITIES
Fuck..it all..

Don't worry,

I can wait an eternity for you,

My dearest, how I long for you.

Just kiss me once, and that will be enough to make me soar forever.

Oh, how I've come to miss you, But you are, still mine.

just kiss me, God dammit.